I Am A Woman!

I am a woman
simple and kind
looking for Mr. Right
although difficult to find

Someone to love me
curly head and all
laugh at my slowness
or when I trip and fall

I am a woman
full of high class
but country enough
to still kick your ass

Need a man whos
not afraid to sing
no matter how bad
he makes my ears ring

I am a woman
with an old fashioned soul
loving life but hate
to lose control

Need a man
who's not afraid
to live the life
that he has made

I am a woman
under God's command
praying that He'll
always hold my hand

He'll lead me and guide me
until the day
where my path is clear
and I've found my way

I am a woman
just looking for love
a man who's life
is led by our Lord above

Need a man
who's country at heart
and as for his dog,
can't tear them apart

I am a woman
looking for somone real
who will make me smile
and knows I'm a big deal

Need a man
who can cook a mean dish
or sit around a lake
and help me when we fish

I am a woman
simple and kind
looking for my Mr. Right
although difficult to find

Written today, July 27, 2010, while sitting at a "friend's" house! He, undoubtedly, was the inspiration!

IDK

So, I consider myself to be a pretty well balanced person...pretty level headed. I consider myself reasonably smart, attractive, funny, just an all around great person. This is how I view myself. My past leads me to wonder how others view me. I think in the department of men I have always been viewed as an easy mark. That of course leaves on feeling like SHIT! I think I've been viewed as vulnerable, easily manipulated, a pushover, and naive. I think in some situations I was these things, but overall and in general I don't think I am.
For some reason I have been thinking about the guys that I have dated in the past. What sort of things did they have in common; how did they differ? Unfortunately, I see some, way too many, similarities. I apparently have only dated guys of a lower calibur. I don't think I thought that about them at the time, but looking back now, I know that I deserve better than each of them. I deserve to meet a man who has no children YET. Not that him having kids would keep me from dating him, its just what I prefer. When my first child is born I want it to be his first. I don't think that is a selfish request. I want us to experience that miracle together for the first time. I think....no I know, that I deserve way better than what I have ever allowed myself to date. I hope and pray that I let no more losers into my life! LOL I know that I deserve the best. I know that I deserve a man who loves God first and me second. I deserve a man that will want what is best for me even when I don't know what that is. He will love me not in spite of my faults but because of them. He will know his limits and mine. He will have this uncanny way of knowing exactly what to do to make me laugh and smile. He will find me attractive when I am all dressed up looking like a million bucks, but also when I first roll out of bed with my hair all a mess and no make-up on. I deserve this man! And, whoever he is, and wherever he is, he'll deserve me to.
I don't know why this is on my mind tonight. Well, it hasn't been just tonight though, its been alot here lately. I just feel ready. I feel ready for that next step in life. I have always wanted love. I've probably wanted it too much, but I don't think I have ever really been ready. Something feels different now. Maybe I'm more mature, more capable of compromise or something like that. I don't know, but I feel ready. Maybe God thinks I'm ready now.?. Who knows!
Anyway, here is my ramble and rant for the evening! LOL

What is wrong with our judicial system today?

Ok, some of you (assuming anyone reads this) may know about the situation with my neice. Well, I just found out today that the courts are going to make her testify against her step-dad, the same man who molested her, raped her, treated her like a canine and worse. Oh, and to top it off, he'll be in the room and able to confront her. She'll be able to confront him as well but she is just a little girl. A very fragile little girl who is scared and has been tramatized. I'm so furious. How could any court system allow her to have to go through that?

The pain and agony that man has caused Willow, her sisters, and everyone else in their families is unreal. No punishment could ever make up for what he has put everyone through. I get sick sometimes thinking about what he did to those sweet, little, innocent girls. Then I think about how hard it is for me to go through this and I feel guilty. Imagine what Willow has been through and will continue to go through. It breaks my heart. I wish, and I pray, that I can do something, anything to help her, but I don't know what that is. How could anyone steal a child's innocence? This guy has damaged every aspect of the girls' lives.

Since November I have quetioned God. That makes me angry. This guy did something so terrible that it has made me question God. God, the one constant thing in my life, my reason for being....and I questioned him. That left me feeling completely alone and helpless. And, it made me even angrier at the man. I questioned God - how do you come back from that? Asking for forgiveness doesnt seem like nearly enough. I've prayed but even that doesnt seem like enough and I know it doesnt happen enough. God plays such a HUGE role in my life - without him I am nothing, and that "man", if you can even call him that, made me question him. Furious doesnt even begin to describe it.

Moving on from this will take more time than any of us involved will ever realize.

Bummed

Ok, so I know of one person who probably reads my blog and thats ok, I mean I don't write it for anyone's benefit but my own. Funny how I only tend to blog when I'm feeling unhappy. UGH! That, my friends, is what I say to life! At least today anyway. Its not any one particular thing that has me down, its definitely a combination. For starters, I just had back surgery. Its summer time and now I can't get into the pool. Frustrating as hell! Not to mention my back hurts. Its nothing compared to before, thank God, but it still hurts and I'm sick of it hurting. I'm sure once my back has had time to heal from surgery that it will get better, but I just want to be pain free!!!!

Then there is my weight. I would love to blame someone else, anyone else, but when I am honest with myself, its my fault that I am so unhappy with my size. I've told myself for years that I would do something about it but I haven't. I just keep putting it off. Now apparently I'm so morbidly obese that my whole family wont leave me alone about having one of these surgeries. I'm so scared to do that and I don't want to, but I'm afraid I've reached a point where I have to. I just don't know what to do. It is so utterly depressing though when every single time you are around any member of your family they talk about your weight. I know they mean well, I really do, but its still depressing. I want to scream at them, "Seriously, do you think i don't realize that I am FAT!!!!" Not sure it would do any good though.

Then there is Willow. I feel so completely helpless where she is concerned. I am, and have always been, the "fixer" in my family. When something goes wrong or someone fights, I step in and make it al better. There isn't a thing in this world I can do to make things better for Willow and it frustrates the hell out of me.

Then there is work. I HAVE to get my masters. I need to have already started but I am so unmotivated to begin. Part of me is scared that I'll fail out of something and part of me is, well, probably lazy. I'm not sure what I want to get my Masters in or which school to do it at. Decisions are one of my worst enemies and everywhere I look there are decisions.

Then there are those people of the male race. There is not one guy, not one, that I have let my guard down around that hasn't stomped on my heart; that hasn't hurt me. I'm so scared to put myself out there again. However, when I do meet a guy that sparks an interest I basically sabitogage it for myself. How in the hell does that make any sense at all. Its all so frustrating. I wish I could just let go of it all and trust God, but I am having a huge problem with giving up the control. I know that once I do He will provide for me, but I don't know how to let go.

Then there is God. I think to myself almost everyday, "How did I get so far away from Him, so lost?" I'm not as lost as that may sound, but I do feel lost some days. Its definitely easier to sin than it is to do what is right. However, its the life of righteousness that I want, not a life of sin. I keep wishing for someone to help me be a better Christian but I'm smart enough to know that is something I must do on my own.

I feel like, once again, I am at a crossroads and I haven't the slightest clue what to do. I don't know which decisions to make or how to make them. I don't know which path to take or how to figure it out. There is such a HUGE part of me that just wants to run away from it all. Just through some crap into my car (if it were running properly) and hit the road, with no destination in sight. How alluring that sounds! Not sure if I would ever have the guts to do it, but to just drop off the radar for a while.....feels like it would give me some sort of release.

Well there is my rant for the day and no, this English teacher is not about to go back and proof this or check for errors, I'm just going to post!

Summer

So this summer I've been trying to do some self reflection. There have been aspects of my life that I haven't exactly been proud of or happy with over the years. Problem is, I don't even remember how they came about as a part of my life. What path did I take or what decision did I make to lead there?? Its funny how you make so many decisions in one day, most without any thoughts at all, at years later its some of those simple decisions that have led you to where you are now. Life sure is complicated. Maybe I should have paid more attention growing up! LOL

More thoughts roaming in my head

Ok, I just blogged, but as I was reading older blogs more thoughts started running through my head. All my life I have felt that I am missing out on something - in the larger scheme of things. Like, I'm missing my calling or I'm meant for something more than what I am doing now. When I was younger I thought teaching was my way to serve our world, and I still do, but lately I just can't shake the feeling that there is more. I've often wondered if it might be ministry - mission trips - that I am meant for, Maybe Language Arts isn't what I am supposed to be teaching. LOL
I think in my mind I believe, whole heartedly, that one day a man will enter my life who has a Godly heart and a passion for Christ and he and I will learn to serve the Lord together in a much larger way. Music is involved somehow too but I just don't know how yet. I have so many unanswered questions. One day though, one day I will meet someone who helps me solve all the mysteries roaming around in my head. "He" will be the man I marry and he will help me live this life I am meant for.

.......................What's on my mind today?

What is on my mind today???? Lots! Valentine's Day is finally over. That sucked! Being alone has its perks, but not on Valentine's Day. UGH! That was miserable. So many people posting on Facebook about who they love and why, and what they got for Vday. Gag me with a spoon please! Now don't get me wrong, I love being in love, but when you aren't its all a drag. LOL

I haven't posted any poetry on here recently. So I think I will!!! I don't know why this particular poem is weighing heavily on my mind. I usually only think about this situation in October, which marks the anniversary of a very painful event. However, I saw Shawn yesterday, so that is probably why. Here goes:

Taken

A piece was taken from me
before I was given the opportunity to see
I didn't even know
before it had to go

I've questioned every move made
every decision, every tear heavily weighed
every headache, ever sneeze, every ache and pain
the whole process has driven me insane

"God's will" rings through my head
but regret pumps through my veins
an unbelievable hurt in my heart
continuously tearing me apart

I want to let go
I wish I didn't even know
this feeling of emptyness
this child that I miss

How can I miss someone
I never even knew
Why do I continuously
long for you

A piece of me was taken away
without my permission; without my say
It makes me so angry; its not fair
and the worst part is you don't even care

It was taken from you too
He or she - a part of you
But not one tear, not one regret
how easy it is for you to forget

I want to - I try to
but its linked to you
And no matter how hard I try
I just can't say good-bye.

That was an emotional time in my life. I'm over and done with that now, but it remains a part of me - of who I am today. I guess seeing Shawn reminded me of that and also reminded me of how much stronger I have become.

Anyway, as always, let me know what you think!!

FRUSTRATED

These days it seems like it doesn't take much to get me frustrated. Such a shame, I know. Work is a major issue with my frustration right now. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE where I work and I love the people I work with, and I especially love the kids I teach. I am so proud to be a teacher at my school. I don't think I could picture myself anywhere else. However, I am frustrated with some of the people and the way they handle things lately. I won't go into detail because that isn't necissary and in their defense I can't imagine the stress they are under given their positions. It's still frustrating though when you feel like you can't have a personal life outside of work. That isn't fair. I really could go on and on with this particular matter but Lord forbid someone other than close personal friends read this.
Another frustration of mine is in the "relationship/romance" department. After Shawn I didn't want to find love again because I couldn't imagine being burnt like that again. Even the thought of it was unbearable. However, after time I started to realize that mine and Shawn's break-up was for the best and my life was better without him. So I was open to the possibility again although very very cautious. I've dated a couple of guys since then but nothing too major. Then I met this guy, Randy and I thought, "Ok, this guy has potential." I knew from the beginning that he wasn't really ready for a relationship but everything just clicked between us; we both thought so. Therefore, I started to open myself back up and start to believe in the possibility of love again. I did not fall in love with this guy, although I will admit, I came close. In a lot of ways we fit perfectly together. But, as it is with my track record, things did not turn out well. I think, although things ended civially, that we both did a little damage to the other. There isn't anything in particular that I could comment on that either of us did wrong, but it just became clear that we were both at different places in our lives and so it was best not to continue even if we knew that meant we would miss each other. So, it ended (on Christmas Day - although there have been some relapses lol). I decided then and there that I just wasn't ready for anything serious. I wanted something serious and everlasting, but I knew I wasn't ready for anything at all. So I set it up in my mind that I was going to be single for a while and I was okay with that. I have so much going on in my personal life right now that any kind of relationship or flirtation could be distracting from my goals, so why not be happy alone, even if alone can be depressing. Well, in my mind that meant that I would not meet ANYONE that even sparked an interest in my mind; that way it would be easier. So imagine my surprise when I go to hang out with some friends and suddenly meet a guy who does spark an interest. I'm not saying anything will ever come of it, because I do not know if it will, but it is a little frustrating because I had decided that I didn't want to be interested in anyone, and then BOOM I am. I don't like it one bit, but he makes me smile and there are several things about him that do interest me and at the very least I want to get to know him better. So here I am resistant to anything happening, but so is he. He is just getting out of a serious relationship with an ex who is apparently going psycho. I know he still cares about her, seeing as how he talks about it A LOT! I don't mind being a friend who listens, but its frustrating because there are things about him that interest me.
I feel like at this point I am starting to ramble, so I will stop but I just want to go on record and say that I do not need anything else to happen right now that could possibly frustrate me. I'm done for at least a little while!

I feel better now that I have gotten that off my chest. Does anyone ever read my blog? If so, let me know sometime.

My thoughts

It's been a while since I've blogged anything but I need to do this on a regular basis because it really helps me express what's on my mind and in my heart. What I'm about to type was written in my journal a few nights ago (Feb. 6).



I am 27 years old. I own my own home. I have a job that on most days I love. I work with amazing people and teach wonderful kids. I have family and friends some only dream of. So why am I not happy? I have all this but something is missing. Somehow in the process of getting where I am today I've lost myself.

I was a much nicer and more sincere person in high school. I contribute most of that to the fact that I was too scared to be any other way. I had such low self-confidence and I was so ridiculously shy. Then college happened. I had so many amazing experiences, many of which opened my eyes to a whole new, or at least different world. I changed during those years.

Then I met Shawn. I fell in love with him and his girls. I thought, scratch that, I knew he was the one. We were in love and we were going to be together forever - me, him, and "our" three girls. Boy oh boy was I wrong. He broke up with me. He broke my heart and just when I thought I couldn't break anymore I found out I was pregnant. I didnt even know for 24 hours before it was over - he or she was gone - but regardless it changed me forever. I discovered a whole new kind of anguish. Being able to trust - to open myself up like that - has been nearly impossible since then. I haven't let ANYONE get close enough, except for Justin, but that too ended with heartache, or at least on my end of things.

So here I am now making it on my own. I have so much to be proud of and to be happy about. I have a world of support around me and yet I've never felt more alone. How is that? I feel lost. Lost from myself - sometimes lost from God. This world can be a very lonely place and I feel like I am just spinning in a circle watching everyone else be happy. I'm jealous of my friends who are engaged, married or have kids. I want that too and I know if its God's will it will happen for me too but that doesn't make it any easier when I feel lost and lonely. When I do feel this way I feel guilty. There are people who would love to be in my shoes, so why do I complain? I don't complain about what I have - I'm grateful for all of it. Its what I don't have that I complain about. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find love, get married and have kids. A wife and mother is all I've ever really wanted to be.

This past summer, while visiting Justin, I got a tattoo that says, "BELIEVE" Now sometimes I wonder what it is I believe in. I believe in God. I believe in possibilities. I believe in the truth. I believe in love, and that is the one that surprises me the most. I've been burnt so many times. I've been told, after every break up I've ever had, that I deserve better. Ok, so I'm amazing...great! If I'm so amazing then why can't I find someone that does deserve me? All I'm looking for is someone who appreciates me. Who accepts me for my good qualities, as well as, my bad ones. Someone who wants the best for me and helps me to acheive that. Someone who allows me to dream and to be my own person. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who can sing or play an instrument because, (thanks to my step-dad and his influence on music in my life) that is the first and best way to sweep me off my feet. Someone who believes in God and tries, even though he may fail, to live a life that God would be proud of. I don't think I am asking for much, but apparently this person either doesn't exist or is in hiding. I have patience, although it seems to be running thin. Not to sound conceited but I know that I am an amazing person and I know that I have a lot to offer and oddly enough its because of the heartache I have experienced in life. For every guy, or family member, or friend who has ever disappointed me or broken my heart they have made me stronger and they have shaped me into the woman I am today and as strange and bizzare as it sounds, I thank them for that. I may have thought my world was ending at the time of the heartache but I know now that it was all part of God's master plan.

Now all I have to do is wait for the next phase in his plan. Let's all pray that the patience holds out.

How long?

How long has it been since I last blogged? Hmmm...too long! I'm feeling rather reflective today. I'm not really sure why, I just am. As childish as it is to admit this I just got finished watching the Disney Channel's "Camp Rock". I love that movie. I usually love any movie with music though. I think music is what keeps me going on a daily basis. I sing the soundtrack to my life in my head. Anyway, the movie...there is a song in it called, "This is Me". The song says, "I've always been the kind of girl that hid my face. So afraid to tell the world what I've got to say....this is real, this is me, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now, going to let the light shine on me Now I've found who I am there's no way to hold it in no more hiding who i want to be this is me" I know my grammar/punctuation is way off in that but still the message speaks to me. growing up I was the girl that was afraid to tell the world what I thought. I hid my face. Shyness was my curse along with self-doubt. Now don't get me wrong I still have my areas in life that I want to change but I'm not afraid or ashamed of who I am. I am proud to be me. For the first time in a long time I finally feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I love my job, I'm an independent adult, I have a great group of friends and a family that loves and supports me. What more could I need. I'm thinking about buying my own home and one day if its in God's plan for my life maybe a husband and family will follow. I've always been in such a rush for that to happen but now I don't feel like I am. I'm having fun with my life just the way it is. That is such an amazing feeling. I feel like screaming to the world, "This is real. This is me! I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now; going to let the light shine on me. Now I've found who I am there's no way to hold it in. No more hiding who I want to be; this is me!" Ahhhh clarity!

Sitting in the classroom

So I'm sitting here in my classroom and I am supposed to be working but it seems impossible. Some of my students are here. They have a basketball game tonight but if they had gone home on the bus they wouldn't have had a way back up here. Anyway, they are driving me nuts but that's besides the point.

I've been thinking here lately that maybe I am supposed to be doing something other than teaching. Of course I have those days when I think I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I guess it really just depends on how well my classes have behaved. Sometimes I feel like I am meant to be doing something more Godly with my life. I wish I just had a clear path as to what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I'm still so unsure. It really is frustrating.

Anyway, just some of my thoughts for the day.

FRUSTRATED!!!

Do you ever just get frustrated? Just when you think that things are finally starting to go good...BOOM! You get side struck.
When I received my degree in TN it was for a K-8 certification. On top of that, I had taken a test that gave me the status of "highly qualified" for Reading and Language Arts in the seventh and eighth grades. Well, that isn't doing me much good these days. I am teaching in KY now. Before they could hire me I had to get my KY certification. Its a rather simple process. I just sent in a ton of paperwork and they filed it and sent me my certification. Well KY and TN have different standards or something, so my K-8 TN certification only transferred to K-5 in KY and KY doesn't recognize my highly qualified status. Therefore, I had to take a test in order to obtain my Middle School Language Arts certification. I bought the study guide, which was not cheap, and I began studying. That didn't last long for the simple fact that none of the information in the guide made any sense to me. I was completely lost! Most of the information it said I would be tested on I had never learned. High school nor college had prepared me properly for that test. What was I supposed to do? I tried looking at the study guide but every time I opened it I felt more and more frustrated and discouraged. So I went in on a Saturday to take the test and I felt a little confident and a little un-confident. I guess you could say I was about 50/50. I wasn't really sure what to expect. The test was extremely hard. Most of the questions I had no clue what it was talking about. It would say, "From which novel is this passage taken from?" and I hadn't even heard of most of the novels. I had never read them or studying them. When I was finished I felt relieved that it was over, but frustrated because I wasn't sure if I had done well enough to pass.
It usually takes about four weeks to get your results back. This past Monday I went home and discovered that they were there in my mailbox. For the state of KY you must have scored at least a 157. Want to know what my score was????? 152. I failed by 5 points. Over $200 down the drain.
When I got to school the next day I spoke with the assistant principal to find out what this meant for my job. The state of KY requires that you do a one year internship program. I was supposed to start mine this month. Well, because I did not pass the test, I cannot start the program. I can retake the test later on but that doesn't change things right now. Worst case scenario they might have to cut my pay. That's a huge deal for me though. I cannot afford a pay cut!
Even if things stay the same its still really depressing. My first year of teaching was not a successful experience and I just really needed and wanted this year to be great! Some days I feel like I am reaching these kids and other days I wonder what I'm even doing here. Each child in my class has a special place in my heart. It still amazes me how easily we can fall in love with these children. Some are more difficult to love than others, but even they have special places in my heart. Some days I want to run screaming from the building and other days I just want to hug them and tell them that I care and I love them. I wonder if some of these kids ever get told that they are loved. I have one student in particular that has truly touched my heart this year. I'm not really sure why, but a part of me thinks that he is why I was sent here to this school. I'm not sure exactly how I am supposed to help him just yet, but I know that he needs me in his life. I love this kid to pieces and would do anything for him. Strangely enough, a hug from this one kid can make any rotten day better. He just holds something special inside him. It's like he doesn't realize his true potential yet and he is too scared or unwilling to just let it out. I think that if he ever really digs down deep inside himself he will find that he has the ability to do so much. He's one of these kids who I really believe if they set their mind to it, they could achieve whatever goals they set. I don't know why I am so passionate about this one student. Maybe its because God knew that he needed me more than any of the others do. I'll probably never fully understand it and I'm probably not meant to.
Another thing that I have been thinking about lately is my purpose here on earth. I was reading in my bible that God designed a specific purpose for each person. Some people were given the purpose of healing, some teaching, some leading, etc. I wonder what my purpose is? Most of the time I truly believe my purpose is to teach, but teach what? Am I supposed to be in public schools and if so with what grade/subject? Maybe God intended for me to teach in the ministry field or in a more private setting with smaller groups of children. I have no clue what the specifics of my purpose are. I wish I did though.
I'm having a bad week. I know that we all have them from time to time, but knowing that doesn't change the fact that this week sucks! I also know that there are other people in this world with bigger problems than mine and that I should be grateful that I don't have to go through what they are suffering, but knowing that doesn't help either. I'm still frustrated and that's just how it is!!
Well, now that I have vented! Whew!!!!! That's a little better!

An update

Well I figure its about time for an update. I did get a job. I am now teaching 6th and 8th grade at Fulton County Middle School in Hickman, KY. Its challenging but interesting. They keep me on my toes and no day is just like the one before.
My first day of school I was welcomed by an 8th grade boy in a way that I did not expect. I was walking up and down the rows introducing some rules and classroom procedures when one of my students made a comment about how sexy I was. Now, normally I would be flattered if a someone said I was sexy, but this was coming from a 13 year old boy, who happened to be my student and lets just say that isn't exactly appropriate. It took me a few seconds to process what he had said and then I did the only thing I knew to do. I turned around and just point blank told him that I would not tolerate that kind of behavior in my classroom and if he couldn't manage to follow my rules then he better not come back to my class. I didn't have too many problems out of him after that. As a matter of fact, now days he is one of my favorite students.
This year seems to be going by fast one day and very slow the next day. By Christmas time I will be wondering where the first half of the year has gone.
Nothing else has changed much. Well, I finally moved out of my grandfather's and got my own place. Its a two bedroom house. It has its faults but all in all I love it. I love having a place to call my own!

Life is good!

Its all up in the air!

I feel like it is all up in the air. By all, I do mean everything. I have no job for starters. I got my degree in Elementary Education but that means nothing. I do have one school, yes only one, out of all the schools that I applied to that would like to hire me. But just my luck it is in Kentucky. Having a KY license is not the problem, because I went ahead and did the paperwork for that and got approved for certification. However, it only gave me eligibility in K-5Th grade. Go figure the position this school wants me for is 6-8 Language Arts. So now the principal is checking to see if there is any way she can hire me. But, who knows how it will turn out. I did however, go to Hamilton-Ryker not too long ago just in case and I got a call back on an office job at Goodyear. Its sounds promising. The last I heard from anyone they said that they would want me to start immediately once my background check came back. Well, I know for a fact that it will come back clear so all I'm doing now is waiting.

I feel like I am waiting for so many different things. I'm waiting to hear about a job. I'm waiting for money. I'm waiting on a job so that I can get out on my own again. Gosh I miss that! I'm waiting to feel complete and I'm waiting to find the right man. You know that one who will love me for all that I am and even for what I'm not. He will accept my strengths and weaknesses and he will encourage me to become a better woman and he will encourage me to become a stronger Christian. When I was in high school and even while I was in college I knew that I was continuously searching for that one guy. I dated some, but it was never right. I did find one guy who I thought was the one, but he must not have been because we are no longer together. It has taken me a while to realize that we are better off apart, but I see it now. I think over the past years I have grown wiser. My faith has grown as well. It amazes me though. I am such a stronger Christian now than I was several years ago, and yet I am not as strong as I want to be. I wonder if we will ever be as strong as we want to be. I think that no matter what we do or how we live our lives we can always work harder at our faith and Christianity. There is always something more that we can do.

In saying that, I also want to say that finding a man who is strong in his faith is so very important to me but it seems so hard to find. I can meet a guy and I can date a guy, but I don't want just any guy. I want a Christian. That seems like such a simple request. Its strange though. I know some really amazing Christian guys, but they are not right for me. Maybe I still have some more growing to do before I meet the right guy. I don't know. All I do know is that I feel ready. I'm 25 and I am ready for a life that includes marriage and one day children. I want nothing more than to be a wife and mother (all in the natural order of things).

Well, I guess first things are first though. I need to find a job and a good one. One that will actually provide for me. I don't really care if it is one that incorporates my degree or not. If I teach that's fine, if I don't that's fine too. I went into the education department because I LOVE children. Maybe I misinterpreted that. Maybe I am meant to be a mother, an aunt, a big sister, and a friend to children, instead of being a teacher to them. Of course with any one of those above mentioned roles I would also have the title as teacher. When you are surrounded by a child, there is always opportunity to teach. All I'm saying is maybe I am meant to use those "teaching" talents in other ways than as a "classroom teacher". I'm not sure, but right now I am open to any career opportunity and I am also open to love.

Its all up in the air right now, and I'm here on the ground waiting with my arms wide open to receive it all!

So Much

This is a song I wrote on March 12, 2006. It wasn't really relevant at the time to my life, but a year later after an unwanted breakup that I have had a hard time accepting it is relevant and very true to my life.

SO MUCH

How do I achieve it

How do I believe it

How do I even dream

Without you here with me

I'm trying to find the passion

I'm trying to find the love

Without you here to love

Chorus:

'Cause there's so much to hope for

So much to dream of

There's so much to reach for

and so much to love

Well it used to be you and me

It used to be us

It used to be pure harmony

And then we lost our trust

So here I am without you

And here I am alone

Here I am discovering

Just how much I've grown

Chorus:

And there's so much to hope for

So much to dream of

There's so much to reach for

and so much to love.

Bridge:

I'm going to do it

I'm going to fight

I'm going to live my life

With all of my might

Cause there's so much to hope for

So much to dream of

There's so much to reach for

and so much to love

Yeah, there's so much to love

Well, alone isn't so scary

Alone is just what I need

Alone I can do it

Without you I am free

I've dreamed and I've wished

I've hoped all my days

I've always been a little scared

Trying to find my way

But now I'm not so scared

Now I am free

Now I can finally

discover how to be me.

Chorus:

Cause there's so much to hope for

So much to dream of

There's so much to reach for

and so much to love.

Yeah there's so much to hope for

I'm going to hope for it

So much to dream for

and I'm going to dream

There's so much to reach for

I'm going to reach for it

So much to love

Well I'm going to love

Yeah I'm going to love

I will love!

Can't think of a good title

This past weekend was great. It was busy, but still great! Friday night after work I drove to Smithland, KY for a rehearsal dinner to one of my best friend's wedding. It was a very nice rehearsal dinner. Then I drove home and about fell asleep! :) Saturday, after very little sleep, I got up and drove to Justin's. For those of you who don't know who Justin is...he is one of my best friends ever and he was my date to the wedding. The wedding didn't start until 5 and we arrived at the church at 12:30. Justin sat around all afternoon with nothing to do and the worst part was he didn't know a soul. He's a trooper and I love him to pieces!
The wedding was beautiful! Jennifer (the bride) looked stunning. I've never seen her sparkle so much! Afterwards we had a great time at the reception. The best part of the night though, was the drive home. Justin and I had a blast just talking and singing along to the radio.
Sunday, after church, I went to a baby shower for my friend Paige. She is having a baby girl. So you see it was a busy weekend, but definitely full of good times and happiness!

This week has not been as great. I have just felt blah! We had a time change, so I suppose that is part of it. That horrible cough that I thought was going away decided to stick around and get a little worse. My chest just aches. When I breath and especially when I cough.
Work hasn't been great either. We've had some rude people in this week. Two local businesses turned out to be complete morons and jerks, but its their loss (right Carrie?).

Then to top it all off, death creeps in. You know we all make friends throughout our different stages of life. We don't always keep in touch with every friend we've ever made. There are some we choose to forget, some we want to forget, and some we don't even realize we have forgotten. Then there are those friends, who no matter how much or how little you talk or see each other, you NEVER want to forget. Whether it be because they made some huge impact in your life, or if they just always knew how to make you smile....you never want to forget them. The friend that is on my mind today is a friend I had in high school. I have not seen him since. We have, however, keep in touch through emails and such. Thank God for the Internet! I didn't realize how much I had missed his friendship until we started talking again. He was always a good friend. He knew how to make me smile and he knew the importance of being a true friend! His name was Jeremy Lee. Tuesday morning, Jeremy died in a car accident. He hit the edge of a driveway and it sent his car airborne. He was driving his convertible and when the car flipped in the air he flew out (no seat belt on). He was pronounced dead at the scene. Jeremy was 25.
A tragedy like this really makes you think about life. Who in your life do you need to check in on? Who in your life needs to know how much you care about them? Who in your life just needs to know you are there? Jeremy sent me a message on March 10th on myspace and I replied to it on March 11th calling him silly and telling him how much I missed him. On his myspace page it tells when he last logged in, which was March 10th. Jeremy never got to see my response.
Let the people in your life know that you are here and that you care.

For Tommy

Ok Tommy, this blog is just for you! In my last blog I said I thought I was almost over "it". "It" being my horrible cough. Well, I'm not coughing as often now, but when I do it hurts like crazy. I get this sharp pain in my chest when I cough and then sometimes when I just breath it hurts too. My friend, who is a nurse, said I might have an infection in my lungs, but since I have no insurance and the health department is a horrible place, I am going to be optimistic and believe that I don't. That's probably stupid and I should probably go to the health department, but really they won't do what is necessary for you unless you have insurance, and that kind of defeats the whole purpose of a health department. Anyway, TOMMY......here is your update!

Aside from the cough, I am very anxious for spring! It seems to get warm for a day or two then turn miserably cold again, but its March so spring isn't far away!

My birthday is coming up in a couple weeks (March 18th). I am usually very excited about my birthday, because its one day during the year that is all about me. That sounds conceited, but its true! However, this year I'm not so thrilled. I will be turning 25. Now I know that 25 is not old, but I thought I would have a lot more accomplished by this time.
For my 25th birthday life has decided to give me my first noticeable wrinkle. Its my laugh lines so its not that bad, but still....I can see them when I'm not smiling. :( Part of growing up I suppose. I am excited about my car insurance going down. That will be nice. But aside from that I am having a hard time accepting this birthday. Of course that doesn't mean that I won't accept any gifts. I can be bitter about turning 25 and still accept gifts!! :) Oh, that's awful of me!

I'm going tomorrow to FINALLY get a TN driver's license. I have officially lived in TN for almost 7 years now. I think its about time, don't you?

I'm also going to drop off some teaching applications to some of the local schools tomorrow, so say a prayer for me. I really need to get a teaching job this year, if nothing more than to just have insurance again and a steady paycheck. No seriously, I do miss being in a classroom. A part of me thinks that I'd be happy in a middle school environment, but then they have a lot of attitude. Of course, so do I so it might work. Then, I think that getting to do cute crafts with the younger ones is fun too. I'm not really in a position to be picky so I guess I'll take what I can get, but just pray that the Lord puts me where he thinks I belong!

God Bless!

I think I'm almost over it!!!

I think I'm almost over it! If you are wonder what "it" is then you obviously haven't been around me in the past week. My Winterfest travelers know what I am talking about and poor Carrie and Tommy do to. I have had some kind of chest congestion crap that I can't seem to shake. The coughing has been the most nerve-racking part. I just can't seem to cough hard enough to get rid of this stuff. Anyway, I'm feeling better so maybe I'm almost over it.

This past weekend my friends Debra, Lauren, Cecil, Justin and I went to Winterfest in Gatlinburg, TN. It is a Church of Christ convention for teens. Our church has always gone in the past but this year the elders decided against it, but the five of us didn't let that stop us from a cherished tradition. We had a blast! The theme this year was "The Prize" The prize being heaven of course. The question at the end of the weekend was "What's your purpose?" So I ask each of you.....What is your purpose?

This coming weekend our church is participating in Bible Bowl. The teens, junior high, and elementary students have been working really hard and studying almost every Sunday afternoon in order to prepare. I am really excited and I hope that they all do well!!

Well, say a prayer for our Bible Bowl team!

Mondays......BLAH!

My Monday did not start off very good. This morning I woke up and discovered that I had no hot water. We had plenty of cold water - ice cold as a matter of fact, but there was no hot water which is what I desperately wanted. I needed a shower this morning. Skipping it was not an option so I had to through my stuff in a bag and rush to my dad's house. Well starting your morning off with an 11 year old who is extremely cranky and yelling and throwing a fit like she is 2 is not a pleasant thing. I wanted to strangle her for the way she was behaving and it was all because my step-mom wouldn't make her any waffles. Well, in my step-mom's defense she didn't have time to make any waffles. Whitney (my sister) was already running behind on getting ready for school and waiting around for waffles was not in the schedule. UGH!!! She really can be a brat sometimes.
Then last night I discovered one of my tires was low. I had air put in it but this morning I was worried that it would go flat due to a leak or something. So the entire time I'm in my car I'm thinking....what will I do if I get a flat? I'm a girl....I know nothing about cars. I know, I know, I know some girls do, but not this one. My dad has tried to teach me but it just hasn't sunk in. I check my oil and thats about it. Anyway, I got it taken care of this afternoon. I took an hour lunch and took it to a place here in Mayfield. It cost $10 to fix it. Apparently it was leaking around the wheel so they sealed it up. However, the guy said keep an eye on it, which makes me nervous that it is going to go flat while I'm driving. I don't like having to worry about my car.
Then, just to make today more like a Monday, we have been swamped at work. This morning from 8-11 the phone did not stop ringing. I am not exagerrating. Seriously, as soon as I would set the stupid thing down it would ring again. I was about ready to scream, through something or just pull my hair out. After lunch it hasn't rang as much which is nice. The worst part about it ringing non-stop this morning was that I had a huge stack of files to prepare and put away and just as soon as I got one organized and ready to put together the phone would ring and get me distracted. But anyway, that just life. If its not hectic then it is extremely boring.

Hopefully Tuesday will be better!

Ski Trip

This Saturday our church youth group took a trep to Eureka, MO to go skiing at Hidden Valley Ski Resort. There were 12 of us who went and there were several who went with a neighboring church. We had a really good time. We left the church around 6:30 am. One of the kids thought it was a good idea to bring a small tv and playstation along so that we could all play Guitar Hero on the way. The problem was, other than the fact that it took up space, you couldn't listen to the radio. We tried it but having the radio playing along with the sounds of the guitar was very annoying. By the time we finally got up there everyone was excited and ready to ski. It took a while to get the equipment. I didn't actually ski. Mostly because I didn't have the $50 to spend and plus I have no health insurance so if I had gotten hurt I'd be S.O.L. But it was fun to watch everyone else. Besides, after hearing the first couple of "I thought I was going to die..." stories, I figured I was probably safer not skiing. After several hours of standing in the freezing cold we finally packed up to go. On the way home we all snuggled in and passed out. I slept in an uncomfortable position because hte next day when I woke up my back hurt.

All in all it was a really good trip. THe kids had a really good time. We got home around 11:30 that night.