FRUSTRATED

These days it seems like it doesn't take much to get me frustrated. Such a shame, I know. Work is a major issue with my frustration right now. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE where I work and I love the people I work with, and I especially love the kids I teach. I am so proud to be a teacher at my school. I don't think I could picture myself anywhere else. However, I am frustrated with some of the people and the way they handle things lately. I won't go into detail because that isn't necissary and in their defense I can't imagine the stress they are under given their positions. It's still frustrating though when you feel like you can't have a personal life outside of work. That isn't fair. I really could go on and on with this particular matter but Lord forbid someone other than close personal friends read this.
Another frustration of mine is in the "relationship/romance" department. After Shawn I didn't want to find love again because I couldn't imagine being burnt like that again. Even the thought of it was unbearable. However, after time I started to realize that mine and Shawn's break-up was for the best and my life was better without him. So I was open to the possibility again although very very cautious. I've dated a couple of guys since then but nothing too major. Then I met this guy, Randy and I thought, "Ok, this guy has potential." I knew from the beginning that he wasn't really ready for a relationship but everything just clicked between us; we both thought so. Therefore, I started to open myself back up and start to believe in the possibility of love again. I did not fall in love with this guy, although I will admit, I came close. In a lot of ways we fit perfectly together. But, as it is with my track record, things did not turn out well. I think, although things ended civially, that we both did a little damage to the other. There isn't anything in particular that I could comment on that either of us did wrong, but it just became clear that we were both at different places in our lives and so it was best not to continue even if we knew that meant we would miss each other. So, it ended (on Christmas Day - although there have been some relapses lol). I decided then and there that I just wasn't ready for anything serious. I wanted something serious and everlasting, but I knew I wasn't ready for anything at all. So I set it up in my mind that I was going to be single for a while and I was okay with that. I have so much going on in my personal life right now that any kind of relationship or flirtation could be distracting from my goals, so why not be happy alone, even if alone can be depressing. Well, in my mind that meant that I would not meet ANYONE that even sparked an interest in my mind; that way it would be easier. So imagine my surprise when I go to hang out with some friends and suddenly meet a guy who does spark an interest. I'm not saying anything will ever come of it, because I do not know if it will, but it is a little frustrating because I had decided that I didn't want to be interested in anyone, and then BOOM I am. I don't like it one bit, but he makes me smile and there are several things about him that do interest me and at the very least I want to get to know him better. So here I am resistant to anything happening, but so is he. He is just getting out of a serious relationship with an ex who is apparently going psycho. I know he still cares about her, seeing as how he talks about it A LOT! I don't mind being a friend who listens, but its frustrating because there are things about him that interest me.
I feel like at this point I am starting to ramble, so I will stop but I just want to go on record and say that I do not need anything else to happen right now that could possibly frustrate me. I'm done for at least a little while!

I feel better now that I have gotten that off my chest. Does anyone ever read my blog? If so, let me know sometime.

My thoughts

It's been a while since I've blogged anything but I need to do this on a regular basis because it really helps me express what's on my mind and in my heart. What I'm about to type was written in my journal a few nights ago (Feb. 6).



I am 27 years old. I own my own home. I have a job that on most days I love. I work with amazing people and teach wonderful kids. I have family and friends some only dream of. So why am I not happy? I have all this but something is missing. Somehow in the process of getting where I am today I've lost myself.

I was a much nicer and more sincere person in high school. I contribute most of that to the fact that I was too scared to be any other way. I had such low self-confidence and I was so ridiculously shy. Then college happened. I had so many amazing experiences, many of which opened my eyes to a whole new, or at least different world. I changed during those years.

Then I met Shawn. I fell in love with him and his girls. I thought, scratch that, I knew he was the one. We were in love and we were going to be together forever - me, him, and "our" three girls. Boy oh boy was I wrong. He broke up with me. He broke my heart and just when I thought I couldn't break anymore I found out I was pregnant. I didnt even know for 24 hours before it was over - he or she was gone - but regardless it changed me forever. I discovered a whole new kind of anguish. Being able to trust - to open myself up like that - has been nearly impossible since then. I haven't let ANYONE get close enough, except for Justin, but that too ended with heartache, or at least on my end of things.

So here I am now making it on my own. I have so much to be proud of and to be happy about. I have a world of support around me and yet I've never felt more alone. How is that? I feel lost. Lost from myself - sometimes lost from God. This world can be a very lonely place and I feel like I am just spinning in a circle watching everyone else be happy. I'm jealous of my friends who are engaged, married or have kids. I want that too and I know if its God's will it will happen for me too but that doesn't make it any easier when I feel lost and lonely. When I do feel this way I feel guilty. There are people who would love to be in my shoes, so why do I complain? I don't complain about what I have - I'm grateful for all of it. Its what I don't have that I complain about. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find love, get married and have kids. A wife and mother is all I've ever really wanted to be.

This past summer, while visiting Justin, I got a tattoo that says, "BELIEVE" Now sometimes I wonder what it is I believe in. I believe in God. I believe in possibilities. I believe in the truth. I believe in love, and that is the one that surprises me the most. I've been burnt so many times. I've been told, after every break up I've ever had, that I deserve better. Ok, so I'm amazing...great! If I'm so amazing then why can't I find someone that does deserve me? All I'm looking for is someone who appreciates me. Who accepts me for my good qualities, as well as, my bad ones. Someone who wants the best for me and helps me to acheive that. Someone who allows me to dream and to be my own person. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who can sing or play an instrument because, (thanks to my step-dad and his influence on music in my life) that is the first and best way to sweep me off my feet. Someone who believes in God and tries, even though he may fail, to live a life that God would be proud of. I don't think I am asking for much, but apparently this person either doesn't exist or is in hiding. I have patience, although it seems to be running thin. Not to sound conceited but I know that I am an amazing person and I know that I have a lot to offer and oddly enough its because of the heartache I have experienced in life. For every guy, or family member, or friend who has ever disappointed me or broken my heart they have made me stronger and they have shaped me into the woman I am today and as strange and bizzare as it sounds, I thank them for that. I may have thought my world was ending at the time of the heartache but I know now that it was all part of God's master plan.

Now all I have to do is wait for the next phase in his plan. Let's all pray that the patience holds out.

How long?

How long has it been since I last blogged? Hmmm...too long! I'm feeling rather reflective today. I'm not really sure why, I just am. As childish as it is to admit this I just got finished watching the Disney Channel's "Camp Rock". I love that movie. I usually love any movie with music though. I think music is what keeps me going on a daily basis. I sing the soundtrack to my life in my head. Anyway, the movie...there is a song in it called, "This is Me". The song says, "I've always been the kind of girl that hid my face. So afraid to tell the world what I've got to say....this is real, this is me, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now, going to let the light shine on me Now I've found who I am there's no way to hold it in no more hiding who i want to be this is me" I know my grammar/punctuation is way off in that but still the message speaks to me. growing up I was the girl that was afraid to tell the world what I thought. I hid my face. Shyness was my curse along with self-doubt. Now don't get me wrong I still have my areas in life that I want to change but I'm not afraid or ashamed of who I am. I am proud to be me. For the first time in a long time I finally feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I love my job, I'm an independent adult, I have a great group of friends and a family that loves and supports me. What more could I need. I'm thinking about buying my own home and one day if its in God's plan for my life maybe a husband and family will follow. I've always been in such a rush for that to happen but now I don't feel like I am. I'm having fun with my life just the way it is. That is such an amazing feeling. I feel like screaming to the world, "This is real. This is me! I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now; going to let the light shine on me. Now I've found who I am there's no way to hold it in. No more hiding who I want to be; this is me!" Ahhhh clarity!

Sitting in the classroom

So I'm sitting here in my classroom and I am supposed to be working but it seems impossible. Some of my students are here. They have a basketball game tonight but if they had gone home on the bus they wouldn't have had a way back up here. Anyway, they are driving me nuts but that's besides the point.

I've been thinking here lately that maybe I am supposed to be doing something other than teaching. Of course I have those days when I think I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I guess it really just depends on how well my classes have behaved. Sometimes I feel like I am meant to be doing something more Godly with my life. I wish I just had a clear path as to what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I'm still so unsure. It really is frustrating.

Anyway, just some of my thoughts for the day.

FRUSTRATED!!!

Do you ever just get frustrated? Just when you think that things are finally starting to go good...BOOM! You get side struck.
When I received my degree in TN it was for a K-8 certification. On top of that, I had taken a test that gave me the status of "highly qualified" for Reading and Language Arts in the seventh and eighth grades. Well, that isn't doing me much good these days. I am teaching in KY now. Before they could hire me I had to get my KY certification. Its a rather simple process. I just sent in a ton of paperwork and they filed it and sent me my certification. Well KY and TN have different standards or something, so my K-8 TN certification only transferred to K-5 in KY and KY doesn't recognize my highly qualified status. Therefore, I had to take a test in order to obtain my Middle School Language Arts certification. I bought the study guide, which was not cheap, and I began studying. That didn't last long for the simple fact that none of the information in the guide made any sense to me. I was completely lost! Most of the information it said I would be tested on I had never learned. High school nor college had prepared me properly for that test. What was I supposed to do? I tried looking at the study guide but every time I opened it I felt more and more frustrated and discouraged. So I went in on a Saturday to take the test and I felt a little confident and a little un-confident. I guess you could say I was about 50/50. I wasn't really sure what to expect. The test was extremely hard. Most of the questions I had no clue what it was talking about. It would say, "From which novel is this passage taken from?" and I hadn't even heard of most of the novels. I had never read them or studying them. When I was finished I felt relieved that it was over, but frustrated because I wasn't sure if I had done well enough to pass.
It usually takes about four weeks to get your results back. This past Monday I went home and discovered that they were there in my mailbox. For the state of KY you must have scored at least a 157. Want to know what my score was????? 152. I failed by 5 points. Over $200 down the drain.
When I got to school the next day I spoke with the assistant principal to find out what this meant for my job. The state of KY requires that you do a one year internship program. I was supposed to start mine this month. Well, because I did not pass the test, I cannot start the program. I can retake the test later on but that doesn't change things right now. Worst case scenario they might have to cut my pay. That's a huge deal for me though. I cannot afford a pay cut!
Even if things stay the same its still really depressing. My first year of teaching was not a successful experience and I just really needed and wanted this year to be great! Some days I feel like I am reaching these kids and other days I wonder what I'm even doing here. Each child in my class has a special place in my heart. It still amazes me how easily we can fall in love with these children. Some are more difficult to love than others, but even they have special places in my heart. Some days I want to run screaming from the building and other days I just want to hug them and tell them that I care and I love them. I wonder if some of these kids ever get told that they are loved. I have one student in particular that has truly touched my heart this year. I'm not really sure why, but a part of me thinks that he is why I was sent here to this school. I'm not sure exactly how I am supposed to help him just yet, but I know that he needs me in his life. I love this kid to pieces and would do anything for him. Strangely enough, a hug from this one kid can make any rotten day better. He just holds something special inside him. It's like he doesn't realize his true potential yet and he is too scared or unwilling to just let it out. I think that if he ever really digs down deep inside himself he will find that he has the ability to do so much. He's one of these kids who I really believe if they set their mind to it, they could achieve whatever goals they set. I don't know why I am so passionate about this one student. Maybe its because God knew that he needed me more than any of the others do. I'll probably never fully understand it and I'm probably not meant to.
Another thing that I have been thinking about lately is my purpose here on earth. I was reading in my bible that God designed a specific purpose for each person. Some people were given the purpose of healing, some teaching, some leading, etc. I wonder what my purpose is? Most of the time I truly believe my purpose is to teach, but teach what? Am I supposed to be in public schools and if so with what grade/subject? Maybe God intended for me to teach in the ministry field or in a more private setting with smaller groups of children. I have no clue what the specifics of my purpose are. I wish I did though.
I'm having a bad week. I know that we all have them from time to time, but knowing that doesn't change the fact that this week sucks! I also know that there are other people in this world with bigger problems than mine and that I should be grateful that I don't have to go through what they are suffering, but knowing that doesn't help either. I'm still frustrated and that's just how it is!!
Well, now that I have vented! Whew!!!!! That's a little better!

An update

Well I figure its about time for an update. I did get a job. I am now teaching 6th and 8th grade at Fulton County Middle School in Hickman, KY. Its challenging but interesting. They keep me on my toes and no day is just like the one before.
My first day of school I was welcomed by an 8th grade boy in a way that I did not expect. I was walking up and down the rows introducing some rules and classroom procedures when one of my students made a comment about how sexy I was. Now, normally I would be flattered if a someone said I was sexy, but this was coming from a 13 year old boy, who happened to be my student and lets just say that isn't exactly appropriate. It took me a few seconds to process what he had said and then I did the only thing I knew to do. I turned around and just point blank told him that I would not tolerate that kind of behavior in my classroom and if he couldn't manage to follow my rules then he better not come back to my class. I didn't have too many problems out of him after that. As a matter of fact, now days he is one of my favorite students.
This year seems to be going by fast one day and very slow the next day. By Christmas time I will be wondering where the first half of the year has gone.
Nothing else has changed much. Well, I finally moved out of my grandfather's and got my own place. Its a two bedroom house. It has its faults but all in all I love it. I love having a place to call my own!

Life is good!

Its all up in the air!

I feel like it is all up in the air. By all, I do mean everything. I have no job for starters. I got my degree in Elementary Education but that means nothing. I do have one school, yes only one, out of all the schools that I applied to that would like to hire me. But just my luck it is in Kentucky. Having a KY license is not the problem, because I went ahead and did the paperwork for that and got approved for certification. However, it only gave me eligibility in K-5Th grade. Go figure the position this school wants me for is 6-8 Language Arts. So now the principal is checking to see if there is any way she can hire me. But, who knows how it will turn out. I did however, go to Hamilton-Ryker not too long ago just in case and I got a call back on an office job at Goodyear. Its sounds promising. The last I heard from anyone they said that they would want me to start immediately once my background check came back. Well, I know for a fact that it will come back clear so all I'm doing now is waiting.

I feel like I am waiting for so many different things. I'm waiting to hear about a job. I'm waiting for money. I'm waiting on a job so that I can get out on my own again. Gosh I miss that! I'm waiting to feel complete and I'm waiting to find the right man. You know that one who will love me for all that I am and even for what I'm not. He will accept my strengths and weaknesses and he will encourage me to become a better woman and he will encourage me to become a stronger Christian. When I was in high school and even while I was in college I knew that I was continuously searching for that one guy. I dated some, but it was never right. I did find one guy who I thought was the one, but he must not have been because we are no longer together. It has taken me a while to realize that we are better off apart, but I see it now. I think over the past years I have grown wiser. My faith has grown as well. It amazes me though. I am such a stronger Christian now than I was several years ago, and yet I am not as strong as I want to be. I wonder if we will ever be as strong as we want to be. I think that no matter what we do or how we live our lives we can always work harder at our faith and Christianity. There is always something more that we can do.

In saying that, I also want to say that finding a man who is strong in his faith is so very important to me but it seems so hard to find. I can meet a guy and I can date a guy, but I don't want just any guy. I want a Christian. That seems like such a simple request. Its strange though. I know some really amazing Christian guys, but they are not right for me. Maybe I still have some more growing to do before I meet the right guy. I don't know. All I do know is that I feel ready. I'm 25 and I am ready for a life that includes marriage and one day children. I want nothing more than to be a wife and mother (all in the natural order of things).

Well, I guess first things are first though. I need to find a job and a good one. One that will actually provide for me. I don't really care if it is one that incorporates my degree or not. If I teach that's fine, if I don't that's fine too. I went into the education department because I LOVE children. Maybe I misinterpreted that. Maybe I am meant to be a mother, an aunt, a big sister, and a friend to children, instead of being a teacher to them. Of course with any one of those above mentioned roles I would also have the title as teacher. When you are surrounded by a child, there is always opportunity to teach. All I'm saying is maybe I am meant to use those "teaching" talents in other ways than as a "classroom teacher". I'm not sure, but right now I am open to any career opportunity and I am also open to love.

Its all up in the air right now, and I'm here on the ground waiting with my arms wide open to receive it all!