I Am A Woman!

I am a woman
simple and kind
looking for Mr. Right
although difficult to find

Someone to love me
curly head and all
laugh at my slowness
or when I trip and fall

I am a woman
full of high class
but country enough
to still kick your ass

Need a man whos
not afraid to sing
no matter how bad
he makes my ears ring

I am a woman
with an old fashioned soul
loving life but hate
to lose control

Need a man
who's not afraid
to live the life
that he has made

I am a woman
under God's command
praying that He'll
always hold my hand

He'll lead me and guide me
until the day
where my path is clear
and I've found my way

I am a woman
just looking for love
a man who's life
is led by our Lord above

Need a man
who's country at heart
and as for his dog,
can't tear them apart

I am a woman
looking for somone real
who will make me smile
and knows I'm a big deal

Need a man
who can cook a mean dish
or sit around a lake
and help me when we fish

I am a woman
simple and kind
looking for my Mr. Right
although difficult to find

Written today, July 27, 2010, while sitting at a "friend's" house! He, undoubtedly, was the inspiration!

IDK

So, I consider myself to be a pretty well balanced person...pretty level headed. I consider myself reasonably smart, attractive, funny, just an all around great person. This is how I view myself. My past leads me to wonder how others view me. I think in the department of men I have always been viewed as an easy mark. That of course leaves on feeling like SHIT! I think I've been viewed as vulnerable, easily manipulated, a pushover, and naive. I think in some situations I was these things, but overall and in general I don't think I am.
For some reason I have been thinking about the guys that I have dated in the past. What sort of things did they have in common; how did they differ? Unfortunately, I see some, way too many, similarities. I apparently have only dated guys of a lower calibur. I don't think I thought that about them at the time, but looking back now, I know that I deserve better than each of them. I deserve to meet a man who has no children YET. Not that him having kids would keep me from dating him, its just what I prefer. When my first child is born I want it to be his first. I don't think that is a selfish request. I want us to experience that miracle together for the first time. I think....no I know, that I deserve way better than what I have ever allowed myself to date. I hope and pray that I let no more losers into my life! LOL I know that I deserve the best. I know that I deserve a man who loves God first and me second. I deserve a man that will want what is best for me even when I don't know what that is. He will love me not in spite of my faults but because of them. He will know his limits and mine. He will have this uncanny way of knowing exactly what to do to make me laugh and smile. He will find me attractive when I am all dressed up looking like a million bucks, but also when I first roll out of bed with my hair all a mess and no make-up on. I deserve this man! And, whoever he is, and wherever he is, he'll deserve me to.
I don't know why this is on my mind tonight. Well, it hasn't been just tonight though, its been alot here lately. I just feel ready. I feel ready for that next step in life. I have always wanted love. I've probably wanted it too much, but I don't think I have ever really been ready. Something feels different now. Maybe I'm more mature, more capable of compromise or something like that. I don't know, but I feel ready. Maybe God thinks I'm ready now.?. Who knows!
Anyway, here is my ramble and rant for the evening! LOL

What is wrong with our judicial system today?

Ok, some of you (assuming anyone reads this) may know about the situation with my neice. Well, I just found out today that the courts are going to make her testify against her step-dad, the same man who molested her, raped her, treated her like a canine and worse. Oh, and to top it off, he'll be in the room and able to confront her. She'll be able to confront him as well but she is just a little girl. A very fragile little girl who is scared and has been tramatized. I'm so furious. How could any court system allow her to have to go through that?

The pain and agony that man has caused Willow, her sisters, and everyone else in their families is unreal. No punishment could ever make up for what he has put everyone through. I get sick sometimes thinking about what he did to those sweet, little, innocent girls. Then I think about how hard it is for me to go through this and I feel guilty. Imagine what Willow has been through and will continue to go through. It breaks my heart. I wish, and I pray, that I can do something, anything to help her, but I don't know what that is. How could anyone steal a child's innocence? This guy has damaged every aspect of the girls' lives.

Since November I have quetioned God. That makes me angry. This guy did something so terrible that it has made me question God. God, the one constant thing in my life, my reason for being....and I questioned him. That left me feeling completely alone and helpless. And, it made me even angrier at the man. I questioned God - how do you come back from that? Asking for forgiveness doesnt seem like nearly enough. I've prayed but even that doesnt seem like enough and I know it doesnt happen enough. God plays such a HUGE role in my life - without him I am nothing, and that "man", if you can even call him that, made me question him. Furious doesnt even begin to describe it.

Moving on from this will take more time than any of us involved will ever realize.

Bummed

Ok, so I know of one person who probably reads my blog and thats ok, I mean I don't write it for anyone's benefit but my own. Funny how I only tend to blog when I'm feeling unhappy. UGH! That, my friends, is what I say to life! At least today anyway. Its not any one particular thing that has me down, its definitely a combination. For starters, I just had back surgery. Its summer time and now I can't get into the pool. Frustrating as hell! Not to mention my back hurts. Its nothing compared to before, thank God, but it still hurts and I'm sick of it hurting. I'm sure once my back has had time to heal from surgery that it will get better, but I just want to be pain free!!!!

Then there is my weight. I would love to blame someone else, anyone else, but when I am honest with myself, its my fault that I am so unhappy with my size. I've told myself for years that I would do something about it but I haven't. I just keep putting it off. Now apparently I'm so morbidly obese that my whole family wont leave me alone about having one of these surgeries. I'm so scared to do that and I don't want to, but I'm afraid I've reached a point where I have to. I just don't know what to do. It is so utterly depressing though when every single time you are around any member of your family they talk about your weight. I know they mean well, I really do, but its still depressing. I want to scream at them, "Seriously, do you think i don't realize that I am FAT!!!!" Not sure it would do any good though.

Then there is Willow. I feel so completely helpless where she is concerned. I am, and have always been, the "fixer" in my family. When something goes wrong or someone fights, I step in and make it al better. There isn't a thing in this world I can do to make things better for Willow and it frustrates the hell out of me.

Then there is work. I HAVE to get my masters. I need to have already started but I am so unmotivated to begin. Part of me is scared that I'll fail out of something and part of me is, well, probably lazy. I'm not sure what I want to get my Masters in or which school to do it at. Decisions are one of my worst enemies and everywhere I look there are decisions.

Then there are those people of the male race. There is not one guy, not one, that I have let my guard down around that hasn't stomped on my heart; that hasn't hurt me. I'm so scared to put myself out there again. However, when I do meet a guy that sparks an interest I basically sabitogage it for myself. How in the hell does that make any sense at all. Its all so frustrating. I wish I could just let go of it all and trust God, but I am having a huge problem with giving up the control. I know that once I do He will provide for me, but I don't know how to let go.

Then there is God. I think to myself almost everyday, "How did I get so far away from Him, so lost?" I'm not as lost as that may sound, but I do feel lost some days. Its definitely easier to sin than it is to do what is right. However, its the life of righteousness that I want, not a life of sin. I keep wishing for someone to help me be a better Christian but I'm smart enough to know that is something I must do on my own.

I feel like, once again, I am at a crossroads and I haven't the slightest clue what to do. I don't know which decisions to make or how to make them. I don't know which path to take or how to figure it out. There is such a HUGE part of me that just wants to run away from it all. Just through some crap into my car (if it were running properly) and hit the road, with no destination in sight. How alluring that sounds! Not sure if I would ever have the guts to do it, but to just drop off the radar for a while.....feels like it would give me some sort of release.

Well there is my rant for the day and no, this English teacher is not about to go back and proof this or check for errors, I'm just going to post!

Summer

So this summer I've been trying to do some self reflection. There have been aspects of my life that I haven't exactly been proud of or happy with over the years. Problem is, I don't even remember how they came about as a part of my life. What path did I take or what decision did I make to lead there?? Its funny how you make so many decisions in one day, most without any thoughts at all, at years later its some of those simple decisions that have led you to where you are now. Life sure is complicated. Maybe I should have paid more attention growing up! LOL