IDK

So, I consider myself to be a pretty well balanced person...pretty level headed. I consider myself reasonably smart, attractive, funny, just an all around great person. This is how I view myself. My past leads me to wonder how others view me. I think in the department of men I have always been viewed as an easy mark. That of course leaves on feeling like SHIT! I think I've been viewed as vulnerable, easily manipulated, a pushover, and naive. I think in some situations I was these things, but overall and in general I don't think I am.
For some reason I have been thinking about the guys that I have dated in the past. What sort of things did they have in common; how did they differ? Unfortunately, I see some, way too many, similarities. I apparently have only dated guys of a lower calibur. I don't think I thought that about them at the time, but looking back now, I know that I deserve better than each of them. I deserve to meet a man who has no children YET. Not that him having kids would keep me from dating him, its just what I prefer. When my first child is born I want it to be his first. I don't think that is a selfish request. I want us to experience that miracle together for the first time. I think....no I know, that I deserve way better than what I have ever allowed myself to date. I hope and pray that I let no more losers into my life! LOL I know that I deserve the best. I know that I deserve a man who loves God first and me second. I deserve a man that will want what is best for me even when I don't know what that is. He will love me not in spite of my faults but because of them. He will know his limits and mine. He will have this uncanny way of knowing exactly what to do to make me laugh and smile. He will find me attractive when I am all dressed up looking like a million bucks, but also when I first roll out of bed with my hair all a mess and no make-up on. I deserve this man! And, whoever he is, and wherever he is, he'll deserve me to.
I don't know why this is on my mind tonight. Well, it hasn't been just tonight though, its been alot here lately. I just feel ready. I feel ready for that next step in life. I have always wanted love. I've probably wanted it too much, but I don't think I have ever really been ready. Something feels different now. Maybe I'm more mature, more capable of compromise or something like that. I don't know, but I feel ready. Maybe God thinks I'm ready now.?. Who knows!
Anyway, here is my ramble and rant for the evening! LOL