FRUSTRATED!!!

Do you ever just get frustrated? Just when you think that things are finally starting to go good...BOOM! You get side struck.
When I received my degree in TN it was for a K-8 certification. On top of that, I had taken a test that gave me the status of "highly qualified" for Reading and Language Arts in the seventh and eighth grades. Well, that isn't doing me much good these days. I am teaching in KY now. Before they could hire me I had to get my KY certification. Its a rather simple process. I just sent in a ton of paperwork and they filed it and sent me my certification. Well KY and TN have different standards or something, so my K-8 TN certification only transferred to K-5 in KY and KY doesn't recognize my highly qualified status. Therefore, I had to take a test in order to obtain my Middle School Language Arts certification. I bought the study guide, which was not cheap, and I began studying. That didn't last long for the simple fact that none of the information in the guide made any sense to me. I was completely lost! Most of the information it said I would be tested on I had never learned. High school nor college had prepared me properly for that test. What was I supposed to do? I tried looking at the study guide but every time I opened it I felt more and more frustrated and discouraged. So I went in on a Saturday to take the test and I felt a little confident and a little un-confident. I guess you could say I was about 50/50. I wasn't really sure what to expect. The test was extremely hard. Most of the questions I had no clue what it was talking about. It would say, "From which novel is this passage taken from?" and I hadn't even heard of most of the novels. I had never read them or studying them. When I was finished I felt relieved that it was over, but frustrated because I wasn't sure if I had done well enough to pass.
It usually takes about four weeks to get your results back. This past Monday I went home and discovered that they were there in my mailbox. For the state of KY you must have scored at least a 157. Want to know what my score was????? 152. I failed by 5 points. Over $200 down the drain.
When I got to school the next day I spoke with the assistant principal to find out what this meant for my job. The state of KY requires that you do a one year internship program. I was supposed to start mine this month. Well, because I did not pass the test, I cannot start the program. I can retake the test later on but that doesn't change things right now. Worst case scenario they might have to cut my pay. That's a huge deal for me though. I cannot afford a pay cut!
Even if things stay the same its still really depressing. My first year of teaching was not a successful experience and I just really needed and wanted this year to be great! Some days I feel like I am reaching these kids and other days I wonder what I'm even doing here. Each child in my class has a special place in my heart. It still amazes me how easily we can fall in love with these children. Some are more difficult to love than others, but even they have special places in my heart. Some days I want to run screaming from the building and other days I just want to hug them and tell them that I care and I love them. I wonder if some of these kids ever get told that they are loved. I have one student in particular that has truly touched my heart this year. I'm not really sure why, but a part of me thinks that he is why I was sent here to this school. I'm not sure exactly how I am supposed to help him just yet, but I know that he needs me in his life. I love this kid to pieces and would do anything for him. Strangely enough, a hug from this one kid can make any rotten day better. He just holds something special inside him. It's like he doesn't realize his true potential yet and he is too scared or unwilling to just let it out. I think that if he ever really digs down deep inside himself he will find that he has the ability to do so much. He's one of these kids who I really believe if they set their mind to it, they could achieve whatever goals they set. I don't know why I am so passionate about this one student. Maybe its because God knew that he needed me more than any of the others do. I'll probably never fully understand it and I'm probably not meant to.
Another thing that I have been thinking about lately is my purpose here on earth. I was reading in my bible that God designed a specific purpose for each person. Some people were given the purpose of healing, some teaching, some leading, etc. I wonder what my purpose is? Most of the time I truly believe my purpose is to teach, but teach what? Am I supposed to be in public schools and if so with what grade/subject? Maybe God intended for me to teach in the ministry field or in a more private setting with smaller groups of children. I have no clue what the specifics of my purpose are. I wish I did though.
I'm having a bad week. I know that we all have them from time to time, but knowing that doesn't change the fact that this week sucks! I also know that there are other people in this world with bigger problems than mine and that I should be grateful that I don't have to go through what they are suffering, but knowing that doesn't help either. I'm still frustrated and that's just how it is!!
Well, now that I have vented! Whew!!!!! That's a little better!

An update

Well I figure its about time for an update. I did get a job. I am now teaching 6th and 8th grade at Fulton County Middle School in Hickman, KY. Its challenging but interesting. They keep me on my toes and no day is just like the one before.
My first day of school I was welcomed by an 8th grade boy in a way that I did not expect. I was walking up and down the rows introducing some rules and classroom procedures when one of my students made a comment about how sexy I was. Now, normally I would be flattered if a someone said I was sexy, but this was coming from a 13 year old boy, who happened to be my student and lets just say that isn't exactly appropriate. It took me a few seconds to process what he had said and then I did the only thing I knew to do. I turned around and just point blank told him that I would not tolerate that kind of behavior in my classroom and if he couldn't manage to follow my rules then he better not come back to my class. I didn't have too many problems out of him after that. As a matter of fact, now days he is one of my favorite students.
This year seems to be going by fast one day and very slow the next day. By Christmas time I will be wondering where the first half of the year has gone.
Nothing else has changed much. Well, I finally moved out of my grandfather's and got my own place. Its a two bedroom house. It has its faults but all in all I love it. I love having a place to call my own!

Life is good!

Its all up in the air!

I feel like it is all up in the air. By all, I do mean everything. I have no job for starters. I got my degree in Elementary Education but that means nothing. I do have one school, yes only one, out of all the schools that I applied to that would like to hire me. But just my luck it is in Kentucky. Having a KY license is not the problem, because I went ahead and did the paperwork for that and got approved for certification. However, it only gave me eligibility in K-5Th grade. Go figure the position this school wants me for is 6-8 Language Arts. So now the principal is checking to see if there is any way she can hire me. But, who knows how it will turn out. I did however, go to Hamilton-Ryker not too long ago just in case and I got a call back on an office job at Goodyear. Its sounds promising. The last I heard from anyone they said that they would want me to start immediately once my background check came back. Well, I know for a fact that it will come back clear so all I'm doing now is waiting.

I feel like I am waiting for so many different things. I'm waiting to hear about a job. I'm waiting for money. I'm waiting on a job so that I can get out on my own again. Gosh I miss that! I'm waiting to feel complete and I'm waiting to find the right man. You know that one who will love me for all that I am and even for what I'm not. He will accept my strengths and weaknesses and he will encourage me to become a better woman and he will encourage me to become a stronger Christian. When I was in high school and even while I was in college I knew that I was continuously searching for that one guy. I dated some, but it was never right. I did find one guy who I thought was the one, but he must not have been because we are no longer together. It has taken me a while to realize that we are better off apart, but I see it now. I think over the past years I have grown wiser. My faith has grown as well. It amazes me though. I am such a stronger Christian now than I was several years ago, and yet I am not as strong as I want to be. I wonder if we will ever be as strong as we want to be. I think that no matter what we do or how we live our lives we can always work harder at our faith and Christianity. There is always something more that we can do.

In saying that, I also want to say that finding a man who is strong in his faith is so very important to me but it seems so hard to find. I can meet a guy and I can date a guy, but I don't want just any guy. I want a Christian. That seems like such a simple request. Its strange though. I know some really amazing Christian guys, but they are not right for me. Maybe I still have some more growing to do before I meet the right guy. I don't know. All I do know is that I feel ready. I'm 25 and I am ready for a life that includes marriage and one day children. I want nothing more than to be a wife and mother (all in the natural order of things).

Well, I guess first things are first though. I need to find a job and a good one. One that will actually provide for me. I don't really care if it is one that incorporates my degree or not. If I teach that's fine, if I don't that's fine too. I went into the education department because I LOVE children. Maybe I misinterpreted that. Maybe I am meant to be a mother, an aunt, a big sister, and a friend to children, instead of being a teacher to them. Of course with any one of those above mentioned roles I would also have the title as teacher. When you are surrounded by a child, there is always opportunity to teach. All I'm saying is maybe I am meant to use those "teaching" talents in other ways than as a "classroom teacher". I'm not sure, but right now I am open to any career opportunity and I am also open to love.

Its all up in the air right now, and I'm here on the ground waiting with my arms wide open to receive it all!

So Much

This is a song I wrote on March 12, 2006. It wasn't really relevant at the time to my life, but a year later after an unwanted breakup that I have had a hard time accepting it is relevant and very true to my life.

SO MUCH

How do I achieve it

How do I believe it

How do I even dream

Without you here with me

I'm trying to find the passion

I'm trying to find the love

Without you here to love

Chorus:

'Cause there's so much to hope for

So much to dream of

There's so much to reach for

and so much to love

Well it used to be you and me

It used to be us

It used to be pure harmony

And then we lost our trust

So here I am without you

And here I am alone

Here I am discovering

Just how much I've grown

Chorus:

And there's so much to hope for

So much to dream of

There's so much to reach for

and so much to love.

Bridge:

I'm going to do it

I'm going to fight

I'm going to live my life

With all of my might

Cause there's so much to hope for

So much to dream of

There's so much to reach for

and so much to love

Yeah, there's so much to love

Well, alone isn't so scary

Alone is just what I need

Alone I can do it

Without you I am free

I've dreamed and I've wished

I've hoped all my days

I've always been a little scared

Trying to find my way

But now I'm not so scared

Now I am free

Now I can finally

discover how to be me.

Chorus:

Cause there's so much to hope for

So much to dream of

There's so much to reach for

and so much to love.

Yeah there's so much to hope for

I'm going to hope for it

So much to dream for

and I'm going to dream

There's so much to reach for

I'm going to reach for it

So much to love

Well I'm going to love

Yeah I'm going to love

I will love!

Can't think of a good title

This past weekend was great. It was busy, but still great! Friday night after work I drove to Smithland, KY for a rehearsal dinner to one of my best friend's wedding. It was a very nice rehearsal dinner. Then I drove home and about fell asleep! :) Saturday, after very little sleep, I got up and drove to Justin's. For those of you who don't know who Justin is...he is one of my best friends ever and he was my date to the wedding. The wedding didn't start until 5 and we arrived at the church at 12:30. Justin sat around all afternoon with nothing to do and the worst part was he didn't know a soul. He's a trooper and I love him to pieces!
The wedding was beautiful! Jennifer (the bride) looked stunning. I've never seen her sparkle so much! Afterwards we had a great time at the reception. The best part of the night though, was the drive home. Justin and I had a blast just talking and singing along to the radio.
Sunday, after church, I went to a baby shower for my friend Paige. She is having a baby girl. So you see it was a busy weekend, but definitely full of good times and happiness!

This week has not been as great. I have just felt blah! We had a time change, so I suppose that is part of it. That horrible cough that I thought was going away decided to stick around and get a little worse. My chest just aches. When I breath and especially when I cough.
Work hasn't been great either. We've had some rude people in this week. Two local businesses turned out to be complete morons and jerks, but its their loss (right Carrie?).

Then to top it all off, death creeps in. You know we all make friends throughout our different stages of life. We don't always keep in touch with every friend we've ever made. There are some we choose to forget, some we want to forget, and some we don't even realize we have forgotten. Then there are those friends, who no matter how much or how little you talk or see each other, you NEVER want to forget. Whether it be because they made some huge impact in your life, or if they just always knew how to make you smile....you never want to forget them. The friend that is on my mind today is a friend I had in high school. I have not seen him since. We have, however, keep in touch through emails and such. Thank God for the Internet! I didn't realize how much I had missed his friendship until we started talking again. He was always a good friend. He knew how to make me smile and he knew the importance of being a true friend! His name was Jeremy Lee. Tuesday morning, Jeremy died in a car accident. He hit the edge of a driveway and it sent his car airborne. He was driving his convertible and when the car flipped in the air he flew out (no seat belt on). He was pronounced dead at the scene. Jeremy was 25.
A tragedy like this really makes you think about life. Who in your life do you need to check in on? Who in your life needs to know how much you care about them? Who in your life just needs to know you are there? Jeremy sent me a message on March 10th on myspace and I replied to it on March 11th calling him silly and telling him how much I missed him. On his myspace page it tells when he last logged in, which was March 10th. Jeremy never got to see my response.
Let the people in your life know that you are here and that you care.

For Tommy

Ok Tommy, this blog is just for you! In my last blog I said I thought I was almost over "it". "It" being my horrible cough. Well, I'm not coughing as often now, but when I do it hurts like crazy. I get this sharp pain in my chest when I cough and then sometimes when I just breath it hurts too. My friend, who is a nurse, said I might have an infection in my lungs, but since I have no insurance and the health department is a horrible place, I am going to be optimistic and believe that I don't. That's probably stupid and I should probably go to the health department, but really they won't do what is necessary for you unless you have insurance, and that kind of defeats the whole purpose of a health department. Anyway, TOMMY......here is your update!

Aside from the cough, I am very anxious for spring! It seems to get warm for a day or two then turn miserably cold again, but its March so spring isn't far away!

My birthday is coming up in a couple weeks (March 18th). I am usually very excited about my birthday, because its one day during the year that is all about me. That sounds conceited, but its true! However, this year I'm not so thrilled. I will be turning 25. Now I know that 25 is not old, but I thought I would have a lot more accomplished by this time.
For my 25th birthday life has decided to give me my first noticeable wrinkle. Its my laugh lines so its not that bad, but still....I can see them when I'm not smiling. :( Part of growing up I suppose. I am excited about my car insurance going down. That will be nice. But aside from that I am having a hard time accepting this birthday. Of course that doesn't mean that I won't accept any gifts. I can be bitter about turning 25 and still accept gifts!! :) Oh, that's awful of me!

I'm going tomorrow to FINALLY get a TN driver's license. I have officially lived in TN for almost 7 years now. I think its about time, don't you?

I'm also going to drop off some teaching applications to some of the local schools tomorrow, so say a prayer for me. I really need to get a teaching job this year, if nothing more than to just have insurance again and a steady paycheck. No seriously, I do miss being in a classroom. A part of me thinks that I'd be happy in a middle school environment, but then they have a lot of attitude. Of course, so do I so it might work. Then, I think that getting to do cute crafts with the younger ones is fun too. I'm not really in a position to be picky so I guess I'll take what I can get, but just pray that the Lord puts me where he thinks I belong!

God Bless!

I think I'm almost over it!!!

I think I'm almost over it! If you are wonder what "it" is then you obviously haven't been around me in the past week. My Winterfest travelers know what I am talking about and poor Carrie and Tommy do to. I have had some kind of chest congestion crap that I can't seem to shake. The coughing has been the most nerve-racking part. I just can't seem to cough hard enough to get rid of this stuff. Anyway, I'm feeling better so maybe I'm almost over it.

This past weekend my friends Debra, Lauren, Cecil, Justin and I went to Winterfest in Gatlinburg, TN. It is a Church of Christ convention for teens. Our church has always gone in the past but this year the elders decided against it, but the five of us didn't let that stop us from a cherished tradition. We had a blast! The theme this year was "The Prize" The prize being heaven of course. The question at the end of the weekend was "What's your purpose?" So I ask each of you.....What is your purpose?

This coming weekend our church is participating in Bible Bowl. The teens, junior high, and elementary students have been working really hard and studying almost every Sunday afternoon in order to prepare. I am really excited and I hope that they all do well!!

Well, say a prayer for our Bible Bowl team!

Mondays......BLAH!

My Monday did not start off very good. This morning I woke up and discovered that I had no hot water. We had plenty of cold water - ice cold as a matter of fact, but there was no hot water which is what I desperately wanted. I needed a shower this morning. Skipping it was not an option so I had to through my stuff in a bag and rush to my dad's house. Well starting your morning off with an 11 year old who is extremely cranky and yelling and throwing a fit like she is 2 is not a pleasant thing. I wanted to strangle her for the way she was behaving and it was all because my step-mom wouldn't make her any waffles. Well, in my step-mom's defense she didn't have time to make any waffles. Whitney (my sister) was already running behind on getting ready for school and waiting around for waffles was not in the schedule. UGH!!! She really can be a brat sometimes.
Then last night I discovered one of my tires was low. I had air put in it but this morning I was worried that it would go flat due to a leak or something. So the entire time I'm in my car I'm thinking....what will I do if I get a flat? I'm a girl....I know nothing about cars. I know, I know, I know some girls do, but not this one. My dad has tried to teach me but it just hasn't sunk in. I check my oil and thats about it. Anyway, I got it taken care of this afternoon. I took an hour lunch and took it to a place here in Mayfield. It cost $10 to fix it. Apparently it was leaking around the wheel so they sealed it up. However, the guy said keep an eye on it, which makes me nervous that it is going to go flat while I'm driving. I don't like having to worry about my car.
Then, just to make today more like a Monday, we have been swamped at work. This morning from 8-11 the phone did not stop ringing. I am not exagerrating. Seriously, as soon as I would set the stupid thing down it would ring again. I was about ready to scream, through something or just pull my hair out. After lunch it hasn't rang as much which is nice. The worst part about it ringing non-stop this morning was that I had a huge stack of files to prepare and put away and just as soon as I got one organized and ready to put together the phone would ring and get me distracted. But anyway, that just life. If its not hectic then it is extremely boring.

Hopefully Tuesday will be better!

Ski Trip

This Saturday our church youth group took a trep to Eureka, MO to go skiing at Hidden Valley Ski Resort. There were 12 of us who went and there were several who went with a neighboring church. We had a really good time. We left the church around 6:30 am. One of the kids thought it was a good idea to bring a small tv and playstation along so that we could all play Guitar Hero on the way. The problem was, other than the fact that it took up space, you couldn't listen to the radio. We tried it but having the radio playing along with the sounds of the guitar was very annoying. By the time we finally got up there everyone was excited and ready to ski. It took a while to get the equipment. I didn't actually ski. Mostly because I didn't have the $50 to spend and plus I have no health insurance so if I had gotten hurt I'd be S.O.L. But it was fun to watch everyone else. Besides, after hearing the first couple of "I thought I was going to die..." stories, I figured I was probably safer not skiing. After several hours of standing in the freezing cold we finally packed up to go. On the way home we all snuggled in and passed out. I slept in an uncomfortable position because hte next day when I woke up my back hurt.

All in all it was a really good trip. THe kids had a really good time. We got home around 11:30 that night.

Angels

My boss Carrie and I had a conversation today about three very special girls that we know. We attend church with Lindsey(21), Stacey(22), and Kylee(5), and they are very unique and incredibly sweet girls. This led me to want to post a poem that I wrote July 23, 2002 about people as special as they are.

ANGELS

How are we to know who God's angels are...

How are we to know whether they're near or far?

God created all; everything we see,

He created life; even you and me.

He sends us angels each and everyday

They're here to guide us and protect us along the way.

I have often wished that I had my own

Someone I could just call on the telephone

But one day I was looking around

and was completely shocked at what I had found

I found there are angels everywhere

They're always here, and they care

An angel may not be,

what you would expect to see

They don't have halos around their head

and at night they don't tuck you into bed

They are the people who shine so bright

They have heaven in their hearts and are filled with God's light

They see life without all the troubles

its as if they lived in a bubble

They live in a happy daze

They don't get lost in that evil maze.

They know pain, hurt and sorrow

But they're optimistic and can't wait for tomorrow

Their hearts are filled with nothing but love

Its obvious they were sent from us above.

They're here to remind us of what is real,

to forget the pain, to just feel.

To feel God's love, to open our arms

so he can rescue us from life's harm

They're filled with simplicity and God's holy light

Their hearts sing a song, while their eyes shine bright

I believe they were sent to glorify earth,

to bless our lives - beginning at birth.

Angels may not be perfect to the eyes of all,

but to our hearts they send s special call

They call to our hearts, to the depths of our souls

They call to our mind, to our life's goals

They make us think twice abut our path

They make us think twice about God's wrath

They open our eyes to what is true

They open their hearts to both me and you

God's angels are all around

and we are so lucky to have three we've found.

To Lindsey, Stacey and Kylee - you are all truly God's angels and I thank God everyday for blessing my life with friends like you.

Stupid People Annoy Me

Stupid People Annoy Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! From the time I left work yesterday until I got to work today I have been surrounded by stupid people. For starters.... last night I pulled into Walgreens to pick up a few things. I got out of my car and looked to my left and there was about a 7-9 month old baby in his car seat in the back. The car was running and there was no adult in sight. I was pissed. Do people not watch the news anymore. How many cases have we seen on TV where babies have been left in the car and died? Hello people! I was on the phone with my father at the time who suggested calling the police because this is illegal to leave a child unattended in a car. A few vehicles down I noticed this couple in their truck watching the baby too. Several thoughts ran through my head....Are they wanting to snatch the baby? Are they concerned just like me? Did the mother ask them to keep an eye on the baby while she ran into the store? It scared me to see this child in that car alone. At first he was all smiles, but then the poor thing started crying. So here I am standing out in the freezing cold parking lot trying to make goofy faces at this sweet child while talking on the phone and not getting too close to the car. I'm sure I looked sane! So I waited and I waited for the idiot parent to come outside. Then this nice looking, respectfully dressed woman comes out with a small bag (that she probably thought would take no time at all to purchase) and gets in her car. I wanted to scream at her and tell her how stupid that was. That was last night's event.
Then this morning when I'm making my 35 minute drive to work, every idiot in the world was on the road between Union City and Mayfield. UGH!!!!! I passed by 4 or 5 people who were swerving out of their lane and into the passing one. I don't know about you but I can eat, drink, talk on the phone, put makeup on, etc.... without swerving like they were. As I was passing by this one guy who had been swerving in and out for about 5 minutes I looked at him with disgust and he held his cigarette and lighter up at me like he was trying to tell me that he was trying to like his cig. I don't care if he was trying to light is butt of fire, he shouldn't have been doing it if he wasn't capable of driving his car at the same time. STUPID PEOPLE!! Then there was a near accident involving some really huge semi trucks but thank goodness that didn't happen. Hopefully we won't have a bunch of stupid people come into the office today because I don't think I could handle it!

This one's gonna be long

Ok, this one is going to be long...not that any of mine are ever really short, but anyway. I love to write; I love to put my thoughts down on paper, or in this case, down on the computer. It clears my brain some.
My best friend is getting married in April. I have been there through this relationship from the very beginning. I remember the first night she came home after meeting him....she was not "head-over-hills" by any means. Josh kind of had to grow on her. I am very happy for them. Steph asked me to be her maid-of-honor. This is a big honor for me considering she has so many close friends. I really thought she would have picked her cousin or one of her friends from high school, but she picked me! I'm taking this maid-of-honor title very serious. I want to be great at my job! I'm trying to get her to select a date for a wedding shower, but that is easier said than done. Then I will get to plan a bachelorette party! Woo-hoo!!! But my most important concern is the wedding itself. I want to make sure Steph's day is a stress-free as possible. I haven't the slightest clue how to obtain this goal, but I'm working on it! Since I love to write so much and express myself in this way, I wanted to write a poem for Steph and Josh and possibly read it at the rehearsal dinner or even at the reception. This idea makes Steph a little squirmish. She knows how girly and sentimental I can get and she is a little scared by this. Well, I have had no luck on coming up with a poem. All my thoughts about Josh and Stephanie have to do with the whole "gang" of us instead of just the two of them. So, I decided to look through some poetry books and other books that I have to come up with some inspiring words. I'm not sure how I am going to use them or even if I will but this is what I found. Let me know what you think!

~One cannot give what he does not posses. To give love you must posses love.

~One cannot teach what he does not understand. To teach love you must comprehend love.

~One cannot know what he does not study. To study love you must live in love.

~One cannot appreciate what he does not recognize. To recognize love you must be receptive to love.

~One cannot have doubt about that which he wishes to trust. To trust love you must be convinced of love.

~One cannot admit what he does not yield to. To yield to love you must be vulnerable to love.

~One cannot live what he does not dedicate himself to. To dedicate yourself to love you must be forever growing in love.

Love is like a mirror. When you love another you become his mirror and he becomes yours...and reflecting each other's love you see infinity.

We find love in many things, though we know its not a thing in the sense that it cannot be bought or sold or weighed or measured. Love can only be given, expressed freely. It can't be captured or held, for its neither there to tie nor to hold. Its in everyone and everything in varying degrees and awaits actualization. Its not apart from the self. Love and the self are one. There are no kinds of love; love is love; there are only degrees of love. Love is trusting, accepting, believing, without guarantee. Love is patient and waits, but its an active waiting, not a passive one. For it is continually offering itself in mutual revealing, a mutual sharing. Love is spontaneous and craves expression through joy, through beauty, through truth, even through tears. Love lives in the moment; its neither lost in yesterday nor does it crave for tomorrow. Love is NOW!

Love is always changing and always learning. Love offers the greatest flexibility. It asks only that we accept behavior as it is expressed in the knowledge that this behavior is not permanent. It is not a matter of forgiving. Forgiving, in a sense, is condescending. It is a matter of accepting the person unconditionally for what he is at the moment, realizing that what he is today is not what he will be tomorrow. A lover is, then, constantly watching, listening, waiting, feeling, adjusting, readjusting, and changing.

FREEZING

It is absolutely freezing outside and it isn't much warmer in the office. Carrie has been out running errands for a good portion of the day so its just been me here in the office and I'm bored. The phone hasn't rang much and like 2 people have come in - that's all. Nothing else. I have ran out of things to do on the Internet, so if anyone has any suggestions please let me know.
I was looking at my blog page earlier and I thought to myself...."Does anyone read these?" I sent out an email and I think I even posted something on myspace for people to check it out but I have no clue if anyone has, except for my friend Michelle because she left me a comment. Anyway, just wondering.
I feel the need to post another poem, even though I don't know if they are getting read. I wrote this one and it turned out to be more in a song form than an actual poem. I have no music written to it, although I have a tune in my head, and I don't know if it would even sound good as a song but here it is:

Changes

I thought life had begun with a glimpse into your eyes

and life had ended when you said goodbye

I thought my heart was broken without you by my side

I thought I'd have to find a corner, turn out the lights and hide

But everybody changes

Everybody moves on

Everybody grows up

Everybody leaves home

And I don't really care anymore about who you are

No, I don't really care anymore whether you're near or far

Cause everybody changes

Well my days went on and my heart began to heal

loosing you opened my eyes to how I truly feel

And I can't believe I didn't see what you were trying to do to me

And I can't believe I tried to change just to please you

But everybody changes

Everybody moves on

Everybody grows up

Everybody leaves home

And I don't really care anymore what you choose to think of me

And I don't really care anymore about who you want me to be

Cause everybody changes

Yeah everybody changes

Everybody moves on

Everybody grows up

Everybody leaves home

And I don't really care anymore about who you are

And I don't really care anymore whether you're near or far

Cause everybody changes

Everybody grows up

Everybody moves on

Everybody leaves home

And I don't really care anymore about who you are

And I don't really care anymore whether you're near or far

And I don't really care anymore what you choose to think of me

And I don't really care anymore who you want me to be

Cause everybody changes

Everybody moves on

Everybody grows up

Everybody leaves home

And everybody changes

I wrote this one July 1, 2004

Brother

My mom, step-dad, and I are going to visit my brother tomorrow. I am very excited but a little nervous too. My brother is in LaGrange, KY in jail. Well, technically right now he is in the mental hospital area of the jail for 30 days to be evaluated. I'm excited to see him because its been so long, but I'm nervous to see him in that kind of environment. I think the majority of the time I prefer to think of him as just being away somewhere as opposed to thinking that he is in jail. I love my brother, don't get my wrong, but sometimes I get so angry at him. He has put my family through so much. My mom has stressed more than her fair share over him. I don't think I can remember a time when he wasn't causing some form of stress. Now they think that he may have some mental problems. It would explain a lot if he did. I just want him home though. But when he is home he causes more stress than when he is away somewhere, even if it is jail. I guess what I want is him home, but without the problems, but who knows if that will ever be possible. He is a good man. He has a heart that, in a sense, is still innocent and very fragile. I worry about him. I want him to have a life. I want him to be happy and to find love. He doesn't believe in himself though. How can anyone have those things if they don't even believe in themselves. How can anyone else believe in them when they don't believe in themselves. I pray about him all the time. I pray that God will carry him through the difficult times and watch over and protect him. I don't know what else I can do for him other than pray. I guess, if you are ready this you could say a prayer for him too. He can use all the prayers he can get! Thanks!

The Army

Yesterday wasn't the best day. One of my best friends has decided to join the Army. I am very proud of him for choosing a path in life and jumping straight in, but its still the Army and with our country at war, its terrifying. My mind has already thought of most of the "what ifs" and I am going to miss him like crazy when he goes off for training and especially when he gets sent to Iraq. We haven't always been best buds, but here lately we have gotten closer. I remember when I first started going to Parkway Church of Christ I had the biggest crush on him and at that time he was just this skinny little kid, but there was just something about him. On one of my first church trips I spilled my guts to him about everything in my life. Justin knows every little secret and juicy detail. I've always felt 100% comfortable sharing with him. Then I was in college and busy with life and we grew apart. This summer, while I was dating his cousin, we worked in a firework tent together and we had a blast. I had forgotten how much fun he could be. Since then we have started hanging out again and I have been having so much fun. The best thing about our friendship is he ALWAYS knows what I need. If I need a good joke, a hug, a smile; Justin is always the first to know. With one look, somehow he knows if I'm okay or not. I don't know how he does it, but I love that about him. I do know what I will do while he is away. :(
With the news of Justin joining the Army it reminded me of a poem I wrote when my friend Joey was leaving for Iraq. I want to share that with you now:

A Soldier's Call

Our time on earth is precious every moment of every day

whether we create, save, or take each life is special in its own way

Now some of us were born to live a life of bravery

to protect and save each and every day

When terror strikes and tears us down

when trouble is lurking all around

It is they who stand proud and tall

for they have answered a soldier's call

Through combat, misery and woe

a soldier stand alert, ready to go

To protect, to fight

to stand up for what is right

A soldier may be scared, feel alone or afraid

but they never let it show, for true heroes they have been made

Their courage and bravery shine through

when they are protecting both me and you

You could be a stranger, someone they've never thought of at all

but it doesn't matter to them, because they have answered a soldier's call

Protecting, serving, making us proud,

sending our prayers straight up through the clouds

We love them and miss them when they are away

and we wait impatiently for welcoming home day

May their bravery never go unnoticed by Americans, the world and all;

for it is they who had the courage to answer a soldier's call.

Originally I had dedicated this poem to Joey, the 913th troops and all of our other troops, but today I want to add Thomas Fulcher to that list and Justin Hazlewood. May God protect them all!

1st poem to submit

Well I said I would probably put some poems on here and I wasn't lying. This first one is probably one of my most personal ones. I wrote it somewhere between the years of 1996-1998 so that would have made me anywhere from 13-16. The title is My House. It doesn't really ryhme or follow in particular style, but I like it. Its kind of depressing but then again I was at that stage. Thankfully I don't have the same view on myself now as I did back then.

My House

I am a house and an ugly one at that and I live in a bad neighborhood. No one wants to step foot on my property. I get lots of compliments on my door, for it is my house's face. But yet no one will come see it. If only they would walk down my sidewalk and open the door, they would see the inside. The walls are bright and colorful, they shine like the heavens. My house is full of life, but it is so lonely. No one seems to care except for my builders, they are always there. But no one wants to come in. They look at my exterior and are somewhat turned off. They don't understand, all I need is a little work. Then I shall shine as my interior does. My house is as beautiful as the eyes see it, but if they'd only look harder, they would break through my walls and finally see the beauty from within.

Let's get started

So I've never been much of a blogger. I have friends who do it here and there, especially on myspace, but its never really been my thing. Then I started working for Carrie Dublin. She showed me her blog and a few other people's too, so I thought I might try it out. Afterall, I love to write no matter what it is about. My favorite is poetry. I have about 79 poems now. Well a few of them are song lyrics, but whatever. I'll probably post a lot of them just to share. I am proud of some of my poems so letting my friends read them will make me happy! I may even post one today. My poetry books are out in my car so I may just run out there and pick one of my favorites! Well, can't really think of anything else to say right now.