Bummed

Ok, so I know of one person who probably reads my blog and thats ok, I mean I don't write it for anyone's benefit but my own. Funny how I only tend to blog when I'm feeling unhappy. UGH! That, my friends, is what I say to life! At least today anyway. Its not any one particular thing that has me down, its definitely a combination. For starters, I just had back surgery. Its summer time and now I can't get into the pool. Frustrating as hell! Not to mention my back hurts. Its nothing compared to before, thank God, but it still hurts and I'm sick of it hurting. I'm sure once my back has had time to heal from surgery that it will get better, but I just want to be pain free!!!!

Then there is my weight. I would love to blame someone else, anyone else, but when I am honest with myself, its my fault that I am so unhappy with my size. I've told myself for years that I would do something about it but I haven't. I just keep putting it off. Now apparently I'm so morbidly obese that my whole family wont leave me alone about having one of these surgeries. I'm so scared to do that and I don't want to, but I'm afraid I've reached a point where I have to. I just don't know what to do. It is so utterly depressing though when every single time you are around any member of your family they talk about your weight. I know they mean well, I really do, but its still depressing. I want to scream at them, "Seriously, do you think i don't realize that I am FAT!!!!" Not sure it would do any good though.

Then there is Willow. I feel so completely helpless where she is concerned. I am, and have always been, the "fixer" in my family. When something goes wrong or someone fights, I step in and make it al better. There isn't a thing in this world I can do to make things better for Willow and it frustrates the hell out of me.

Then there is work. I HAVE to get my masters. I need to have already started but I am so unmotivated to begin. Part of me is scared that I'll fail out of something and part of me is, well, probably lazy. I'm not sure what I want to get my Masters in or which school to do it at. Decisions are one of my worst enemies and everywhere I look there are decisions.

Then there are those people of the male race. There is not one guy, not one, that I have let my guard down around that hasn't stomped on my heart; that hasn't hurt me. I'm so scared to put myself out there again. However, when I do meet a guy that sparks an interest I basically sabitogage it for myself. How in the hell does that make any sense at all. Its all so frustrating. I wish I could just let go of it all and trust God, but I am having a huge problem with giving up the control. I know that once I do He will provide for me, but I don't know how to let go.

Then there is God. I think to myself almost everyday, "How did I get so far away from Him, so lost?" I'm not as lost as that may sound, but I do feel lost some days. Its definitely easier to sin than it is to do what is right. However, its the life of righteousness that I want, not a life of sin. I keep wishing for someone to help me be a better Christian but I'm smart enough to know that is something I must do on my own.

I feel like, once again, I am at a crossroads and I haven't the slightest clue what to do. I don't know which decisions to make or how to make them. I don't know which path to take or how to figure it out. There is such a HUGE part of me that just wants to run away from it all. Just through some crap into my car (if it were running properly) and hit the road, with no destination in sight. How alluring that sounds! Not sure if I would ever have the guts to do it, but to just drop off the radar for a while.....feels like it would give me some sort of release.

Well there is my rant for the day and no, this English teacher is not about to go back and proof this or check for errors, I'm just going to post!