How long?

How long has it been since I last blogged? Hmmm...too long! I'm feeling rather reflective today. I'm not really sure why, I just am. As childish as it is to admit this I just got finished watching the Disney Channel's "Camp Rock". I love that movie. I usually love any movie with music though. I think music is what keeps me going on a daily basis. I sing the soundtrack to my life in my head. Anyway, the movie...there is a song in it called, "This is Me". The song says, "I've always been the kind of girl that hid my face. So afraid to tell the world what I've got to say....this is real, this is me, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now, going to let the light shine on me Now I've found who I am there's no way to hold it in no more hiding who i want to be this is me" I know my grammar/punctuation is way off in that but still the message speaks to me. growing up I was the girl that was afraid to tell the world what I thought. I hid my face. Shyness was my curse along with self-doubt. Now don't get me wrong I still have my areas in life that I want to change but I'm not afraid or ashamed of who I am. I am proud to be me. For the first time in a long time I finally feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I love my job, I'm an independent adult, I have a great group of friends and a family that loves and supports me. What more could I need. I'm thinking about buying my own home and one day if its in God's plan for my life maybe a husband and family will follow. I've always been in such a rush for that to happen but now I don't feel like I am. I'm having fun with my life just the way it is. That is such an amazing feeling. I feel like screaming to the world, "This is real. This is me! I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now; going to let the light shine on me. Now I've found who I am there's no way to hold it in. No more hiding who I want to be; this is me!" Ahhhh clarity!

Sitting in the classroom

So I'm sitting here in my classroom and I am supposed to be working but it seems impossible. Some of my students are here. They have a basketball game tonight but if they had gone home on the bus they wouldn't have had a way back up here. Anyway, they are driving me nuts but that's besides the point.

I've been thinking here lately that maybe I am supposed to be doing something other than teaching. Of course I have those days when I think I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I guess it really just depends on how well my classes have behaved. Sometimes I feel like I am meant to be doing something more Godly with my life. I wish I just had a clear path as to what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I'm still so unsure. It really is frustrating.

Anyway, just some of my thoughts for the day.

FRUSTRATED!!!

Do you ever just get frustrated? Just when you think that things are finally starting to go good...BOOM! You get side struck.
When I received my degree in TN it was for a K-8 certification. On top of that, I had taken a test that gave me the status of "highly qualified" for Reading and Language Arts in the seventh and eighth grades. Well, that isn't doing me much good these days. I am teaching in KY now. Before they could hire me I had to get my KY certification. Its a rather simple process. I just sent in a ton of paperwork and they filed it and sent me my certification. Well KY and TN have different standards or something, so my K-8 TN certification only transferred to K-5 in KY and KY doesn't recognize my highly qualified status. Therefore, I had to take a test in order to obtain my Middle School Language Arts certification. I bought the study guide, which was not cheap, and I began studying. That didn't last long for the simple fact that none of the information in the guide made any sense to me. I was completely lost! Most of the information it said I would be tested on I had never learned. High school nor college had prepared me properly for that test. What was I supposed to do? I tried looking at the study guide but every time I opened it I felt more and more frustrated and discouraged. So I went in on a Saturday to take the test and I felt a little confident and a little un-confident. I guess you could say I was about 50/50. I wasn't really sure what to expect. The test was extremely hard. Most of the questions I had no clue what it was talking about. It would say, "From which novel is this passage taken from?" and I hadn't even heard of most of the novels. I had never read them or studying them. When I was finished I felt relieved that it was over, but frustrated because I wasn't sure if I had done well enough to pass.
It usually takes about four weeks to get your results back. This past Monday I went home and discovered that they were there in my mailbox. For the state of KY you must have scored at least a 157. Want to know what my score was????? 152. I failed by 5 points. Over $200 down the drain.
When I got to school the next day I spoke with the assistant principal to find out what this meant for my job. The state of KY requires that you do a one year internship program. I was supposed to start mine this month. Well, because I did not pass the test, I cannot start the program. I can retake the test later on but that doesn't change things right now. Worst case scenario they might have to cut my pay. That's a huge deal for me though. I cannot afford a pay cut!
Even if things stay the same its still really depressing. My first year of teaching was not a successful experience and I just really needed and wanted this year to be great! Some days I feel like I am reaching these kids and other days I wonder what I'm even doing here. Each child in my class has a special place in my heart. It still amazes me how easily we can fall in love with these children. Some are more difficult to love than others, but even they have special places in my heart. Some days I want to run screaming from the building and other days I just want to hug them and tell them that I care and I love them. I wonder if some of these kids ever get told that they are loved. I have one student in particular that has truly touched my heart this year. I'm not really sure why, but a part of me thinks that he is why I was sent here to this school. I'm not sure exactly how I am supposed to help him just yet, but I know that he needs me in his life. I love this kid to pieces and would do anything for him. Strangely enough, a hug from this one kid can make any rotten day better. He just holds something special inside him. It's like he doesn't realize his true potential yet and he is too scared or unwilling to just let it out. I think that if he ever really digs down deep inside himself he will find that he has the ability to do so much. He's one of these kids who I really believe if they set their mind to it, they could achieve whatever goals they set. I don't know why I am so passionate about this one student. Maybe its because God knew that he needed me more than any of the others do. I'll probably never fully understand it and I'm probably not meant to.
Another thing that I have been thinking about lately is my purpose here on earth. I was reading in my bible that God designed a specific purpose for each person. Some people were given the purpose of healing, some teaching, some leading, etc. I wonder what my purpose is? Most of the time I truly believe my purpose is to teach, but teach what? Am I supposed to be in public schools and if so with what grade/subject? Maybe God intended for me to teach in the ministry field or in a more private setting with smaller groups of children. I have no clue what the specifics of my purpose are. I wish I did though.
I'm having a bad week. I know that we all have them from time to time, but knowing that doesn't change the fact that this week sucks! I also know that there are other people in this world with bigger problems than mine and that I should be grateful that I don't have to go through what they are suffering, but knowing that doesn't help either. I'm still frustrated and that's just how it is!!
Well, now that I have vented! Whew!!!!! That's a little better!

An update

Well I figure its about time for an update. I did get a job. I am now teaching 6th and 8th grade at Fulton County Middle School in Hickman, KY. Its challenging but interesting. They keep me on my toes and no day is just like the one before.
My first day of school I was welcomed by an 8th grade boy in a way that I did not expect. I was walking up and down the rows introducing some rules and classroom procedures when one of my students made a comment about how sexy I was. Now, normally I would be flattered if a someone said I was sexy, but this was coming from a 13 year old boy, who happened to be my student and lets just say that isn't exactly appropriate. It took me a few seconds to process what he had said and then I did the only thing I knew to do. I turned around and just point blank told him that I would not tolerate that kind of behavior in my classroom and if he couldn't manage to follow my rules then he better not come back to my class. I didn't have too many problems out of him after that. As a matter of fact, now days he is one of my favorite students.
This year seems to be going by fast one day and very slow the next day. By Christmas time I will be wondering where the first half of the year has gone.
Nothing else has changed much. Well, I finally moved out of my grandfather's and got my own place. Its a two bedroom house. It has its faults but all in all I love it. I love having a place to call my own!

Life is good!

Its all up in the air!

I feel like it is all up in the air. By all, I do mean everything. I have no job for starters. I got my degree in Elementary Education but that means nothing. I do have one school, yes only one, out of all the schools that I applied to that would like to hire me. But just my luck it is in Kentucky. Having a KY license is not the problem, because I went ahead and did the paperwork for that and got approved for certification. However, it only gave me eligibility in K-5Th grade. Go figure the position this school wants me for is 6-8 Language Arts. So now the principal is checking to see if there is any way she can hire me. But, who knows how it will turn out. I did however, go to Hamilton-Ryker not too long ago just in case and I got a call back on an office job at Goodyear. Its sounds promising. The last I heard from anyone they said that they would want me to start immediately once my background check came back. Well, I know for a fact that it will come back clear so all I'm doing now is waiting.

I feel like I am waiting for so many different things. I'm waiting to hear about a job. I'm waiting for money. I'm waiting on a job so that I can get out on my own again. Gosh I miss that! I'm waiting to feel complete and I'm waiting to find the right man. You know that one who will love me for all that I am and even for what I'm not. He will accept my strengths and weaknesses and he will encourage me to become a better woman and he will encourage me to become a stronger Christian. When I was in high school and even while I was in college I knew that I was continuously searching for that one guy. I dated some, but it was never right. I did find one guy who I thought was the one, but he must not have been because we are no longer together. It has taken me a while to realize that we are better off apart, but I see it now. I think over the past years I have grown wiser. My faith has grown as well. It amazes me though. I am such a stronger Christian now than I was several years ago, and yet I am not as strong as I want to be. I wonder if we will ever be as strong as we want to be. I think that no matter what we do or how we live our lives we can always work harder at our faith and Christianity. There is always something more that we can do.

In saying that, I also want to say that finding a man who is strong in his faith is so very important to me but it seems so hard to find. I can meet a guy and I can date a guy, but I don't want just any guy. I want a Christian. That seems like such a simple request. Its strange though. I know some really amazing Christian guys, but they are not right for me. Maybe I still have some more growing to do before I meet the right guy. I don't know. All I do know is that I feel ready. I'm 25 and I am ready for a life that includes marriage and one day children. I want nothing more than to be a wife and mother (all in the natural order of things).

Well, I guess first things are first though. I need to find a job and a good one. One that will actually provide for me. I don't really care if it is one that incorporates my degree or not. If I teach that's fine, if I don't that's fine too. I went into the education department because I LOVE children. Maybe I misinterpreted that. Maybe I am meant to be a mother, an aunt, a big sister, and a friend to children, instead of being a teacher to them. Of course with any one of those above mentioned roles I would also have the title as teacher. When you are surrounded by a child, there is always opportunity to teach. All I'm saying is maybe I am meant to use those "teaching" talents in other ways than as a "classroom teacher". I'm not sure, but right now I am open to any career opportunity and I am also open to love.

Its all up in the air right now, and I'm here on the ground waiting with my arms wide open to receive it all!

So Much

This is a song I wrote on March 12, 2006. It wasn't really relevant at the time to my life, but a year later after an unwanted breakup that I have had a hard time accepting it is relevant and very true to my life.

SO MUCH

How do I achieve it

How do I believe it

How do I even dream

Without you here with me

I'm trying to find the passion

I'm trying to find the love

Without you here to love

Chorus:

'Cause there's so much to hope for

So much to dream of

There's so much to reach for

and so much to love

Well it used to be you and me

It used to be us

It used to be pure harmony

And then we lost our trust

So here I am without you

And here I am alone

Here I am discovering

Just how much I've grown

Chorus:

And there's so much to hope for

So much to dream of

There's so much to reach for

and so much to love.

Bridge:

I'm going to do it

I'm going to fight

I'm going to live my life

With all of my might

Cause there's so much to hope for

So much to dream of

There's so much to reach for

and so much to love

Yeah, there's so much to love

Well, alone isn't so scary

Alone is just what I need

Alone I can do it

Without you I am free

I've dreamed and I've wished

I've hoped all my days

I've always been a little scared

Trying to find my way

But now I'm not so scared

Now I am free

Now I can finally

discover how to be me.

Chorus:

Cause there's so much to hope for

So much to dream of

There's so much to reach for

and so much to love.

Yeah there's so much to hope for

I'm going to hope for it

So much to dream for

and I'm going to dream

There's so much to reach for

I'm going to reach for it

So much to love

Well I'm going to love

Yeah I'm going to love

I will love!

Can't think of a good title

This past weekend was great. It was busy, but still great! Friday night after work I drove to Smithland, KY for a rehearsal dinner to one of my best friend's wedding. It was a very nice rehearsal dinner. Then I drove home and about fell asleep! :) Saturday, after very little sleep, I got up and drove to Justin's. For those of you who don't know who Justin is...he is one of my best friends ever and he was my date to the wedding. The wedding didn't start until 5 and we arrived at the church at 12:30. Justin sat around all afternoon with nothing to do and the worst part was he didn't know a soul. He's a trooper and I love him to pieces!
The wedding was beautiful! Jennifer (the bride) looked stunning. I've never seen her sparkle so much! Afterwards we had a great time at the reception. The best part of the night though, was the drive home. Justin and I had a blast just talking and singing along to the radio.
Sunday, after church, I went to a baby shower for my friend Paige. She is having a baby girl. So you see it was a busy weekend, but definitely full of good times and happiness!

This week has not been as great. I have just felt blah! We had a time change, so I suppose that is part of it. That horrible cough that I thought was going away decided to stick around and get a little worse. My chest just aches. When I breath and especially when I cough.
Work hasn't been great either. We've had some rude people in this week. Two local businesses turned out to be complete morons and jerks, but its their loss (right Carrie?).

Then to top it all off, death creeps in. You know we all make friends throughout our different stages of life. We don't always keep in touch with every friend we've ever made. There are some we choose to forget, some we want to forget, and some we don't even realize we have forgotten. Then there are those friends, who no matter how much or how little you talk or see each other, you NEVER want to forget. Whether it be because they made some huge impact in your life, or if they just always knew how to make you smile....you never want to forget them. The friend that is on my mind today is a friend I had in high school. I have not seen him since. We have, however, keep in touch through emails and such. Thank God for the Internet! I didn't realize how much I had missed his friendship until we started talking again. He was always a good friend. He knew how to make me smile and he knew the importance of being a true friend! His name was Jeremy Lee. Tuesday morning, Jeremy died in a car accident. He hit the edge of a driveway and it sent his car airborne. He was driving his convertible and when the car flipped in the air he flew out (no seat belt on). He was pronounced dead at the scene. Jeremy was 25.
A tragedy like this really makes you think about life. Who in your life do you need to check in on? Who in your life needs to know how much you care about them? Who in your life just needs to know you are there? Jeremy sent me a message on March 10th on myspace and I replied to it on March 11th calling him silly and telling him how much I missed him. On his myspace page it tells when he last logged in, which was March 10th. Jeremy never got to see my response.
Let the people in your life know that you are here and that you care.