My thoughts

It's been a while since I've blogged anything but I need to do this on a regular basis because it really helps me express what's on my mind and in my heart. What I'm about to type was written in my journal a few nights ago (Feb. 6).



I am 27 years old. I own my own home. I have a job that on most days I love. I work with amazing people and teach wonderful kids. I have family and friends some only dream of. So why am I not happy? I have all this but something is missing. Somehow in the process of getting where I am today I've lost myself.

I was a much nicer and more sincere person in high school. I contribute most of that to the fact that I was too scared to be any other way. I had such low self-confidence and I was so ridiculously shy. Then college happened. I had so many amazing experiences, many of which opened my eyes to a whole new, or at least different world. I changed during those years.

Then I met Shawn. I fell in love with him and his girls. I thought, scratch that, I knew he was the one. We were in love and we were going to be together forever - me, him, and "our" three girls. Boy oh boy was I wrong. He broke up with me. He broke my heart and just when I thought I couldn't break anymore I found out I was pregnant. I didnt even know for 24 hours before it was over - he or she was gone - but regardless it changed me forever. I discovered a whole new kind of anguish. Being able to trust - to open myself up like that - has been nearly impossible since then. I haven't let ANYONE get close enough, except for Justin, but that too ended with heartache, or at least on my end of things.

So here I am now making it on my own. I have so much to be proud of and to be happy about. I have a world of support around me and yet I've never felt more alone. How is that? I feel lost. Lost from myself - sometimes lost from God. This world can be a very lonely place and I feel like I am just spinning in a circle watching everyone else be happy. I'm jealous of my friends who are engaged, married or have kids. I want that too and I know if its God's will it will happen for me too but that doesn't make it any easier when I feel lost and lonely. When I do feel this way I feel guilty. There are people who would love to be in my shoes, so why do I complain? I don't complain about what I have - I'm grateful for all of it. Its what I don't have that I complain about. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find love, get married and have kids. A wife and mother is all I've ever really wanted to be.

This past summer, while visiting Justin, I got a tattoo that says, "BELIEVE" Now sometimes I wonder what it is I believe in. I believe in God. I believe in possibilities. I believe in the truth. I believe in love, and that is the one that surprises me the most. I've been burnt so many times. I've been told, after every break up I've ever had, that I deserve better. Ok, so I'm amazing...great! If I'm so amazing then why can't I find someone that does deserve me? All I'm looking for is someone who appreciates me. Who accepts me for my good qualities, as well as, my bad ones. Someone who wants the best for me and helps me to acheive that. Someone who allows me to dream and to be my own person. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who can sing or play an instrument because, (thanks to my step-dad and his influence on music in my life) that is the first and best way to sweep me off my feet. Someone who believes in God and tries, even though he may fail, to live a life that God would be proud of. I don't think I am asking for much, but apparently this person either doesn't exist or is in hiding. I have patience, although it seems to be running thin. Not to sound conceited but I know that I am an amazing person and I know that I have a lot to offer and oddly enough its because of the heartache I have experienced in life. For every guy, or family member, or friend who has ever disappointed me or broken my heart they have made me stronger and they have shaped me into the woman I am today and as strange and bizzare as it sounds, I thank them for that. I may have thought my world was ending at the time of the heartache but I know now that it was all part of God's master plan.

Now all I have to do is wait for the next phase in his plan. Let's all pray that the patience holds out.