I Am A Woman!

I am a woman
simple and kind
looking for Mr. Right
although difficult to find

Someone to love me
curly head and all
laugh at my slowness
or when I trip and fall

I am a woman
full of high class
but country enough
to still kick your ass

Need a man whos
not afraid to sing
no matter how bad
he makes my ears ring

I am a woman
with an old fashioned soul
loving life but hate
to lose control

Need a man
who's not afraid
to live the life
that he has made

I am a woman
under God's command
praying that He'll
always hold my hand

He'll lead me and guide me
until the day
where my path is clear
and I've found my way

I am a woman
just looking for love
a man who's life
is led by our Lord above

Need a man
who's country at heart
and as for his dog,
can't tear them apart

I am a woman
looking for somone real
who will make me smile
and knows I'm a big deal

Need a man
who can cook a mean dish
or sit around a lake
and help me when we fish

I am a woman
simple and kind
looking for my Mr. Right
although difficult to find

Written today, July 27, 2010, while sitting at a "friend's" house! He, undoubtedly, was the inspiration!

IDK

So, I consider myself to be a pretty well balanced person...pretty level headed. I consider myself reasonably smart, attractive, funny, just an all around great person. This is how I view myself. My past leads me to wonder how others view me. I think in the department of men I have always been viewed as an easy mark. That of course leaves on feeling like SHIT! I think I've been viewed as vulnerable, easily manipulated, a pushover, and naive. I think in some situations I was these things, but overall and in general I don't think I am.
For some reason I have been thinking about the guys that I have dated in the past. What sort of things did they have in common; how did they differ? Unfortunately, I see some, way too many, similarities. I apparently have only dated guys of a lower calibur. I don't think I thought that about them at the time, but looking back now, I know that I deserve better than each of them. I deserve to meet a man who has no children YET. Not that him having kids would keep me from dating him, its just what I prefer. When my first child is born I want it to be his first. I don't think that is a selfish request. I want us to experience that miracle together for the first time. I think....no I know, that I deserve way better than what I have ever allowed myself to date. I hope and pray that I let no more losers into my life! LOL I know that I deserve the best. I know that I deserve a man who loves God first and me second. I deserve a man that will want what is best for me even when I don't know what that is. He will love me not in spite of my faults but because of them. He will know his limits and mine. He will have this uncanny way of knowing exactly what to do to make me laugh and smile. He will find me attractive when I am all dressed up looking like a million bucks, but also when I first roll out of bed with my hair all a mess and no make-up on. I deserve this man! And, whoever he is, and wherever he is, he'll deserve me to.
I don't know why this is on my mind tonight. Well, it hasn't been just tonight though, its been alot here lately. I just feel ready. I feel ready for that next step in life. I have always wanted love. I've probably wanted it too much, but I don't think I have ever really been ready. Something feels different now. Maybe I'm more mature, more capable of compromise or something like that. I don't know, but I feel ready. Maybe God thinks I'm ready now.?. Who knows!
Anyway, here is my ramble and rant for the evening! LOL

What is wrong with our judicial system today?

Ok, some of you (assuming anyone reads this) may know about the situation with my neice. Well, I just found out today that the courts are going to make her testify against her step-dad, the same man who molested her, raped her, treated her like a canine and worse. Oh, and to top it off, he'll be in the room and able to confront her. She'll be able to confront him as well but she is just a little girl. A very fragile little girl who is scared and has been tramatized. I'm so furious. How could any court system allow her to have to go through that?

The pain and agony that man has caused Willow, her sisters, and everyone else in their families is unreal. No punishment could ever make up for what he has put everyone through. I get sick sometimes thinking about what he did to those sweet, little, innocent girls. Then I think about how hard it is for me to go through this and I feel guilty. Imagine what Willow has been through and will continue to go through. It breaks my heart. I wish, and I pray, that I can do something, anything to help her, but I don't know what that is. How could anyone steal a child's innocence? This guy has damaged every aspect of the girls' lives.

Since November I have quetioned God. That makes me angry. This guy did something so terrible that it has made me question God. God, the one constant thing in my life, my reason for being....and I questioned him. That left me feeling completely alone and helpless. And, it made me even angrier at the man. I questioned God - how do you come back from that? Asking for forgiveness doesnt seem like nearly enough. I've prayed but even that doesnt seem like enough and I know it doesnt happen enough. God plays such a HUGE role in my life - without him I am nothing, and that "man", if you can even call him that, made me question him. Furious doesnt even begin to describe it.

Moving on from this will take more time than any of us involved will ever realize.

Bummed

Ok, so I know of one person who probably reads my blog and thats ok, I mean I don't write it for anyone's benefit but my own. Funny how I only tend to blog when I'm feeling unhappy. UGH! That, my friends, is what I say to life! At least today anyway. Its not any one particular thing that has me down, its definitely a combination. For starters, I just had back surgery. Its summer time and now I can't get into the pool. Frustrating as hell! Not to mention my back hurts. Its nothing compared to before, thank God, but it still hurts and I'm sick of it hurting. I'm sure once my back has had time to heal from surgery that it will get better, but I just want to be pain free!!!!

Then there is my weight. I would love to blame someone else, anyone else, but when I am honest with myself, its my fault that I am so unhappy with my size. I've told myself for years that I would do something about it but I haven't. I just keep putting it off. Now apparently I'm so morbidly obese that my whole family wont leave me alone about having one of these surgeries. I'm so scared to do that and I don't want to, but I'm afraid I've reached a point where I have to. I just don't know what to do. It is so utterly depressing though when every single time you are around any member of your family they talk about your weight. I know they mean well, I really do, but its still depressing. I want to scream at them, "Seriously, do you think i don't realize that I am FAT!!!!" Not sure it would do any good though.

Then there is Willow. I feel so completely helpless where she is concerned. I am, and have always been, the "fixer" in my family. When something goes wrong or someone fights, I step in and make it al better. There isn't a thing in this world I can do to make things better for Willow and it frustrates the hell out of me.

Then there is work. I HAVE to get my masters. I need to have already started but I am so unmotivated to begin. Part of me is scared that I'll fail out of something and part of me is, well, probably lazy. I'm not sure what I want to get my Masters in or which school to do it at. Decisions are one of my worst enemies and everywhere I look there are decisions.

Then there are those people of the male race. There is not one guy, not one, that I have let my guard down around that hasn't stomped on my heart; that hasn't hurt me. I'm so scared to put myself out there again. However, when I do meet a guy that sparks an interest I basically sabitogage it for myself. How in the hell does that make any sense at all. Its all so frustrating. I wish I could just let go of it all and trust God, but I am having a huge problem with giving up the control. I know that once I do He will provide for me, but I don't know how to let go.

Then there is God. I think to myself almost everyday, "How did I get so far away from Him, so lost?" I'm not as lost as that may sound, but I do feel lost some days. Its definitely easier to sin than it is to do what is right. However, its the life of righteousness that I want, not a life of sin. I keep wishing for someone to help me be a better Christian but I'm smart enough to know that is something I must do on my own.

I feel like, once again, I am at a crossroads and I haven't the slightest clue what to do. I don't know which decisions to make or how to make them. I don't know which path to take or how to figure it out. There is such a HUGE part of me that just wants to run away from it all. Just through some crap into my car (if it were running properly) and hit the road, with no destination in sight. How alluring that sounds! Not sure if I would ever have the guts to do it, but to just drop off the radar for a while.....feels like it would give me some sort of release.

Well there is my rant for the day and no, this English teacher is not about to go back and proof this or check for errors, I'm just going to post!

Summer

So this summer I've been trying to do some self reflection. There have been aspects of my life that I haven't exactly been proud of or happy with over the years. Problem is, I don't even remember how they came about as a part of my life. What path did I take or what decision did I make to lead there?? Its funny how you make so many decisions in one day, most without any thoughts at all, at years later its some of those simple decisions that have led you to where you are now. Life sure is complicated. Maybe I should have paid more attention growing up! LOL

More thoughts roaming in my head

Ok, I just blogged, but as I was reading older blogs more thoughts started running through my head. All my life I have felt that I am missing out on something - in the larger scheme of things. Like, I'm missing my calling or I'm meant for something more than what I am doing now. When I was younger I thought teaching was my way to serve our world, and I still do, but lately I just can't shake the feeling that there is more. I've often wondered if it might be ministry - mission trips - that I am meant for, Maybe Language Arts isn't what I am supposed to be teaching. LOL
I think in my mind I believe, whole heartedly, that one day a man will enter my life who has a Godly heart and a passion for Christ and he and I will learn to serve the Lord together in a much larger way. Music is involved somehow too but I just don't know how yet. I have so many unanswered questions. One day though, one day I will meet someone who helps me solve all the mysteries roaming around in my head. "He" will be the man I marry and he will help me live this life I am meant for.

.......................What's on my mind today?

What is on my mind today???? Lots! Valentine's Day is finally over. That sucked! Being alone has its perks, but not on Valentine's Day. UGH! That was miserable. So many people posting on Facebook about who they love and why, and what they got for Vday. Gag me with a spoon please! Now don't get me wrong, I love being in love, but when you aren't its all a drag. LOL

I haven't posted any poetry on here recently. So I think I will!!! I don't know why this particular poem is weighing heavily on my mind. I usually only think about this situation in October, which marks the anniversary of a very painful event. However, I saw Shawn yesterday, so that is probably why. Here goes:

Taken

A piece was taken from me
before I was given the opportunity to see
I didn't even know
before it had to go

I've questioned every move made
every decision, every tear heavily weighed
every headache, ever sneeze, every ache and pain
the whole process has driven me insane

"God's will" rings through my head
but regret pumps through my veins
an unbelievable hurt in my heart
continuously tearing me apart

I want to let go
I wish I didn't even know
this feeling of emptyness
this child that I miss

How can I miss someone
I never even knew
Why do I continuously
long for you

A piece of me was taken away
without my permission; without my say
It makes me so angry; its not fair
and the worst part is you don't even care

It was taken from you too
He or she - a part of you
But not one tear, not one regret
how easy it is for you to forget

I want to - I try to
but its linked to you
And no matter how hard I try
I just can't say good-bye.

That was an emotional time in my life. I'm over and done with that now, but it remains a part of me - of who I am today. I guess seeing Shawn reminded me of that and also reminded me of how much stronger I have become.

Anyway, as always, let me know what you think!!

FRUSTRATED

These days it seems like it doesn't take much to get me frustrated. Such a shame, I know. Work is a major issue with my frustration right now. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE where I work and I love the people I work with, and I especially love the kids I teach. I am so proud to be a teacher at my school. I don't think I could picture myself anywhere else. However, I am frustrated with some of the people and the way they handle things lately. I won't go into detail because that isn't necissary and in their defense I can't imagine the stress they are under given their positions. It's still frustrating though when you feel like you can't have a personal life outside of work. That isn't fair. I really could go on and on with this particular matter but Lord forbid someone other than close personal friends read this.
Another frustration of mine is in the "relationship/romance" department. After Shawn I didn't want to find love again because I couldn't imagine being burnt like that again. Even the thought of it was unbearable. However, after time I started to realize that mine and Shawn's break-up was for the best and my life was better without him. So I was open to the possibility again although very very cautious. I've dated a couple of guys since then but nothing too major. Then I met this guy, Randy and I thought, "Ok, this guy has potential." I knew from the beginning that he wasn't really ready for a relationship but everything just clicked between us; we both thought so. Therefore, I started to open myself back up and start to believe in the possibility of love again. I did not fall in love with this guy, although I will admit, I came close. In a lot of ways we fit perfectly together. But, as it is with my track record, things did not turn out well. I think, although things ended civially, that we both did a little damage to the other. There isn't anything in particular that I could comment on that either of us did wrong, but it just became clear that we were both at different places in our lives and so it was best not to continue even if we knew that meant we would miss each other. So, it ended (on Christmas Day - although there have been some relapses lol). I decided then and there that I just wasn't ready for anything serious. I wanted something serious and everlasting, but I knew I wasn't ready for anything at all. So I set it up in my mind that I was going to be single for a while and I was okay with that. I have so much going on in my personal life right now that any kind of relationship or flirtation could be distracting from my goals, so why not be happy alone, even if alone can be depressing. Well, in my mind that meant that I would not meet ANYONE that even sparked an interest in my mind; that way it would be easier. So imagine my surprise when I go to hang out with some friends and suddenly meet a guy who does spark an interest. I'm not saying anything will ever come of it, because I do not know if it will, but it is a little frustrating because I had decided that I didn't want to be interested in anyone, and then BOOM I am. I don't like it one bit, but he makes me smile and there are several things about him that do interest me and at the very least I want to get to know him better. So here I am resistant to anything happening, but so is he. He is just getting out of a serious relationship with an ex who is apparently going psycho. I know he still cares about her, seeing as how he talks about it A LOT! I don't mind being a friend who listens, but its frustrating because there are things about him that interest me.
I feel like at this point I am starting to ramble, so I will stop but I just want to go on record and say that I do not need anything else to happen right now that could possibly frustrate me. I'm done for at least a little while!

I feel better now that I have gotten that off my chest. Does anyone ever read my blog? If so, let me know sometime.

My thoughts

It's been a while since I've blogged anything but I need to do this on a regular basis because it really helps me express what's on my mind and in my heart. What I'm about to type was written in my journal a few nights ago (Feb. 6).



I am 27 years old. I own my own home. I have a job that on most days I love. I work with amazing people and teach wonderful kids. I have family and friends some only dream of. So why am I not happy? I have all this but something is missing. Somehow in the process of getting where I am today I've lost myself.

I was a much nicer and more sincere person in high school. I contribute most of that to the fact that I was too scared to be any other way. I had such low self-confidence and I was so ridiculously shy. Then college happened. I had so many amazing experiences, many of which opened my eyes to a whole new, or at least different world. I changed during those years.

Then I met Shawn. I fell in love with him and his girls. I thought, scratch that, I knew he was the one. We were in love and we were going to be together forever - me, him, and "our" three girls. Boy oh boy was I wrong. He broke up with me. He broke my heart and just when I thought I couldn't break anymore I found out I was pregnant. I didnt even know for 24 hours before it was over - he or she was gone - but regardless it changed me forever. I discovered a whole new kind of anguish. Being able to trust - to open myself up like that - has been nearly impossible since then. I haven't let ANYONE get close enough, except for Justin, but that too ended with heartache, or at least on my end of things.

So here I am now making it on my own. I have so much to be proud of and to be happy about. I have a world of support around me and yet I've never felt more alone. How is that? I feel lost. Lost from myself - sometimes lost from God. This world can be a very lonely place and I feel like I am just spinning in a circle watching everyone else be happy. I'm jealous of my friends who are engaged, married or have kids. I want that too and I know if its God's will it will happen for me too but that doesn't make it any easier when I feel lost and lonely. When I do feel this way I feel guilty. There are people who would love to be in my shoes, so why do I complain? I don't complain about what I have - I'm grateful for all of it. Its what I don't have that I complain about. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find love, get married and have kids. A wife and mother is all I've ever really wanted to be.

This past summer, while visiting Justin, I got a tattoo that says, "BELIEVE" Now sometimes I wonder what it is I believe in. I believe in God. I believe in possibilities. I believe in the truth. I believe in love, and that is the one that surprises me the most. I've been burnt so many times. I've been told, after every break up I've ever had, that I deserve better. Ok, so I'm amazing...great! If I'm so amazing then why can't I find someone that does deserve me? All I'm looking for is someone who appreciates me. Who accepts me for my good qualities, as well as, my bad ones. Someone who wants the best for me and helps me to acheive that. Someone who allows me to dream and to be my own person. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who can sing or play an instrument because, (thanks to my step-dad and his influence on music in my life) that is the first and best way to sweep me off my feet. Someone who believes in God and tries, even though he may fail, to live a life that God would be proud of. I don't think I am asking for much, but apparently this person either doesn't exist or is in hiding. I have patience, although it seems to be running thin. Not to sound conceited but I know that I am an amazing person and I know that I have a lot to offer and oddly enough its because of the heartache I have experienced in life. For every guy, or family member, or friend who has ever disappointed me or broken my heart they have made me stronger and they have shaped me into the woman I am today and as strange and bizzare as it sounds, I thank them for that. I may have thought my world was ending at the time of the heartache but I know now that it was all part of God's master plan.

Now all I have to do is wait for the next phase in his plan. Let's all pray that the patience holds out.